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Linda  

kzoopair 72M/71F
8365 posts
2/21/2015 4:13 pm
Linda


Warning Signs Is The Topic For The Fifth Virtual Symposium

Linda, a short story.
Also a cautionary and not particularly edifying tale.

When I was in my early thirties I had a quiet contemplative time of sober reflection, re-assessment and re-education. It was miserable. I was not yet thirty five and had two failed marriages behind me. As radical as my thinking might be the radical part didn't extend to marriage. Marriage was supposed to be forever and you were supposed to like each other. Mine didn't pan out that way. I did place the blame squarely on my spouses, but I was the one who chose them and I was feeling pretty uncomfortable with what that said about my intelligence.

I was alone in a big two story house with my two dogs and in a poor economy I was chronically short of money. That first winter I closed off all but three rooms to save heating that barn- the kitchen, bedroom and a big formal dining room were where I hunkered down to hibernate through the dark months of winter. I burned candles a lot, but not for lighting and not for brooding while listening to the somber music of the acoustically lovelorn. I had begun meditating again, and practicing yoga. A dimly lit room helped to clear my mind and suppress distractions- I wasn't doing transcendental or candle meditation, I was just trying to turn down the volume on the harsh light of that somewhat incandescent room.

I lived in a small midwestern town and I worked by day in a brickyard so clearly these were activities I kept to myself. I had enough fucking problems without alerting people to the idea that I might have an intellectual or an emotional life. Some things just aren't done in certain locales, and I was in one of those locales.

I started re-reading the beats…Kerouac, Burroughs, Ginsberg- and I studied the writers they referenced too, like Spengler, Spinoza and Kant. I read Baudelaire and Verlaine and Rimbaud and I felt better educated…but not exactly better. There's a reason beatnik women dressed in drab black and brown and grey and ironed their long black hair- they're fucking depressed from reading the stuff written by the men they're fucking. There's light that shines through Kerouac, especially in little books like "Tristessa" and "Visions of Gerard". Those two are his best books but not his most acclaimed. What makes them stand out is the love he keeps in himself for those two characters, and that he was so eloquent in sharing it with the reader. But Kerouac is also morose and there is a grieving that runs as a constant theme through all his writing. Ginsberg too is giving voice to a lament, and Burroughs of course is one sardonically blunt -of-a-bitch.

So these were the perfect literary companions for me at that time, bound to help me wallow in my isolation and alienation. I had enough sense of self not to style myself as a brooding poet or writer though. Low as I might feel, I couldn't indulge my self-absorption that much.

Even though I was habitually broke and spiritually bereaved I allowed myself one more indulgence, one luxury. I ate all my meals out. There were two spheres in my world, work and that dark and empty old house, and I needed to at least be in the same building with other people daily, so I frequented the only restaurant in town, a national chain that served breakfast around the clock and had pretty much run all the little greasy spoons out of town, except for a couple of hangers on down by the river and near the factories.

It was an unlikely and an incongruous place to carry a copy of "Une Saison en Enfer". Jean Nicholas Arthur Rimbaud would not have cared for the place and probably would have broken the dinnerware, shit on the floor and masturbated into the bleu cheese dressing. But it was brightly lit and had a crew of pretty waitresses and while I wasn't actively shopping for one I did like to look at the shiny menu. Anyone who noticed my reading material might be either intrigued or confused…I'm not sure exactly what I hoped for. Mostly I just got indifference.

A woman in her late forties also dined there often, with her on-again off-again companion. The bright lights of the place didn't flatter her- she was pale and cynical, with a brown page boy and she looked oddly French- she chain smoked Camels and exhaled smoky, sour and disinterested responses to anything said to her. She was Linda.

Linda had been beautiful and she was broken. She was still beautiful, in a seedy and jaded way. The friend she showed up with was getting a bit longer in the tooth than she- a bit shabby and disheveled, grizzled and ill tempered- probably a lot like I look today, and they bickered back and forth just audibly enough that everyone could overhear. It was embarrassing- whenever I saw her there her face lit up and she spoke to me in a soft and sultry contralto. That barely husky voice was all kinds of sexy, and Linda was sexy- but she looked and sounded like trouble, and a pain in the ass. She emanated a warning sign- she might have been wearing a sandwich board blasting "Danger, Will Robinson!" She gave me the feeling that she might go off at any time for no discernable reason. I didn't overtly encourage her, but I didn't exactly discourage her either. I am not an atypical male, I don't care how this story makes me sound. I was just going through a rough spot. So, like most typical males, I'd have done Linda, if I thought I could get away undamaged and unattached. But she WAS scary.

There was an exquisite young Latina girl waiting tables in that place. I thought she was the most beautiful human creature I had ever seen, and I was terrified of her. Even in my current melancholy I was still able to talk to other folks, and to women, but I couldn't talk to her. She would speak to me and flash that glittering smile, having said something clever, or mysterious, or simply incomprehensible- we all know how young women are- and she walked away leaving me wondering what she had just said. I was barely able to coax a word out of my own mouth. My brain and all its speech centers locked up when she looked at me and I was paralyzed under her gaze. I had sworn off beautiful young women, and she was much younger than me, and exhilaratingly pretty. If you need a firmer diagnosis of my unhealthy condition, I don't know what that might be. But I knew if I could get it together to even speak coherently to this diosa I was a goner.

Petra warned me about Linda one day, in a conspiratorial, joking manner. She told me Linda was sweet on me, but she was fucking nuts. I managed to laugh with her and I said I knew that. Do I need to say how wonderful and exotic it is to be forewarned of danger by an excruciatingly lovely young woman who is also somewhat cryptic and mysterious?

One Saturday morning I tromped in with a "Season in Hell" in my hand and settled into a booth, and within five minutes Linda entered, alone, and plunked herself down at the table facing me. I thought, "Fuck." She started talking to me right away. I tried to be polite, and not too cool. But I wasn't going to let her hit on me with the diosa on duty and watching…and she was bugging me that morning anyway. So I kept my responses short and non-committal and kept burying my nose in Rimbaud. If you're familiar with Rimbaud you'll get why that isn't an entirely pleasant thing to ruminate on.

All of a sudden Linda got the picture. In one ferociously lucid moment (It should have been obvious from the start) it dawned on her that I was blowing her off, and she got pissed. She exploded. We weren't even more than casual acquaintances and she went off like I had left her pregnant at the altar. She slammed dishes and threw tableware, all the while cussing me for an insensitive prick. "I'm sorry I bothered you, you bastard! Just stick your face back in your goddam precious book, and fuck you! I won't ever annoy you again!" I can't remember all the things she hollered at me…but I'm pretty sure everyone else in the place could. If it hadn't been me I'd have been laughing my ass off. Everybody enjoys a good scene.

She stormed out of the restaurant and I suddenly felt like I was alone on stage…and I had stage fright. I felt like I had been fucking Linda in the darkened high school gymnasium and suddenly all the lights went up and the house was packed and Linda had stalked off mad leaving me with my pants around my ankles and my slick and shiny dick bobbing up and down. And as she ran away she was shrieking "I told you not in my ass, you -of-a-bitch!" Seconds later Linda stomped back in and paid her check. She might be down on her luck and mad as a hatter but she wasn't any piker. Besides, it gave her a second chance to slam the door and make another grand and dramatic exit. As soon as I figured the coast was clear I left my breakfast unfinished and I left too, somewhat more inconspicuously.

Sunday morning I grabbed a copy of the Chicago Sun-Times (They had Mike Royko, and I went where Mike went) and marched right back to the scene of the crime for breakfast. I sat down at a table and Petra came over and talked to me. She was smiling ever so slightly. She wasn't sure how mad or embarrassed I was going to be about Linda. "I watched your Linda Incident. I saw it." she said. And I started laughing, and that broke the ice for me. We talked for about ten minutes. It turned out she had asked if she could take her break and sit with me when I came in and they said sure.

The best possible ending is that we saw more of each other and fell in love…at least briefly. But that isn't what happened. She married some shallow clown who used her badly and the last I heard of her she was married to a much older man with a lot of money. I hope she's having fun, and I hope she's spending all his money- I spent a lot of sleepless hours dreaming about her. To this day, whenever I think 'stunningly beautiful' I see the face of Petra……. and that was thirty years ago.

There are warning signs all over this thing and you can pick them out for yourselves. But lately, I've been having a feeling of deja vu.


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kzoopair 72M/71F
25831 posts
2/21/2015 4:35 pm

    Quoting  :

Thank you dear! I AM making some great new memories...you're one of them.

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08540Tantrafun 60M  
1072 posts
2/21/2015 4:38 pm

So eloquently put.

"Rules for happiness: something to do, someone to love, something to hope for.”― Immanuel Kant .


kzoopair 72M/71F
25831 posts
2/21/2015 4:52 pm

Thank you kama! Wroting this, that memory came flooding back and I was embarrassed all over again...but it WAS funny.

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kzoopair 72M/71F
25831 posts
2/21/2015 5:02 pm

    Quoting  :

Thank you DragonLady!

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kzoopair 72M/71F
25831 posts
2/21/2015 5:08 pm

    Quoting  :

Thank you Lola. I'm too old for a new start. And too lazy.
And, you're right. time gives it a different quality. But I still, to this day, see the face of that Petra often, and I wonder if she has an inkling that I still do.

I loved Royko and Studs Terkel. By all accounts Terkel was a warm, wonderful man, and Royko was not.

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kzoopair 72M/71F
25831 posts
2/21/2015 5:55 pm

    Quoting  :

I think I mostly learned that while keeping one eye on the main chance I would do well to keep the other on a quick exit.
And thank you! Come back soon, and often. It was a pleasure to see you here!

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kzoopair 72M/71F
25831 posts
2/21/2015 5:58 pm

    Quoting  :

Even at that point in my life I thought I was nearly impossible to embarrass. I was so wrong. The REAL pity is..I stopped wondering what sex with her would be like. And that is tragic.

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kzoopair 72M/71F
25831 posts
2/21/2015 6:15 pm

    Quoting  :

Indeed! Makes for a kind of a Marty Feldman look, though.

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kzoopair 72M/71F
25831 posts
2/21/2015 7:09 pm

    Quoting mcmaniac:
    The 1st warning was the 1st line, short story my ass! Very entertaining tale of lust, love, psychosis, and friendship. I think we all have too many "Linda's" and not enough "Petra's" in our lives.
Hey, it's short! It's fucking short! This is practically a meme, it's so fucking short. I definitely could have milked it for more, but that's how I got in trouble in the restaurant...stalling for time, hedging my bets.
I'm happy with my life...I have far more than I ever thought I would, and more love than I probably deserve. But I will always mourn Petra and what might have been- if I'd been able to unknot my tongue and pull my head out of my ass. Mac...she is/was a fucking goddess...diosa.

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kzoopair 72M/71F
25831 posts
2/21/2015 9:04 pm

    Quoting  :

Aw, thank you Sassy. But that's what old guys do, tell their stories. Over and over and over.....Some day you'll be able to say "Bill- I've heard that one...several times."

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ladybughug443 38F
153 posts
2/21/2015 11:15 pm

Really good read. Although, not going to lie, I only clicked because it said Linda.


kzoopair 72M/71F
25831 posts
2/21/2015 11:23 pm

    Quoting ladybughug443:
    Really good read. Although, not going to lie, I only clicked because it said Linda.
Thank you! Only one liar allowed in here- me. I try to never let the truth stand in the way of a good story. I learned that from my grandmother- at least that's what SHE said.
Thanks for reading and commenting. I hope to see you back here again.

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KItkat1415 61F  
20051 posts
2/22/2015 1:25 am

I wonder why you have been feeling déjà vu? Is there some crazy chick about to yell at you for no reason? I promise to shove a napkin in her mouth for you.
Kk

The observant make the best lovers,
I may not do right, but I do write,
I have bliss, joy, and happiness in my life,
Kitkat
Come check out my blog
KItkat1415
check out this post by me
Adventures In Body Grooming
#39 April Topic Link: What Lies Beneath
If April Showers Oh Bloody Hell What Kind Of Weather Turns Me On Bloggers Symposium 40


Pixie_11 51F
2594 posts
2/22/2015 2:07 am

    Quoting KItkat1415:
    I wonder why you have been feeling déjà vu? Is there some crazy chick about to yell at you for no reason? I promise to shove a napkin in her mouth for you.
    Kk
KZ,

I wasn't going to say exactly what KK said, however, having just read a most beautifully written story ... the one line that stuck, as if no words or story preceded it, was "But lately, I've been having a feeling of deja vu."

.Pixie

***********If you have a yen to get" Up-a-Tree," Then it's just a hop-and-a-skip to get down with Meeee !


kzoopair 72M/71F
25831 posts
2/22/2015 8:00 am

    Quoting  :

I knew even at the time that I was doing some things wrong and ignoring some signs....but I AM that kind of gambler. We can make choices in our lives, but it seems sometimes as though it's only the illusion of choice and that some foreign god...Kali...is manipulating you.

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kzoopair 72M/71F
25831 posts
2/22/2015 8:03 am

    Quoting KItkat1415:
    I wonder why you have been feeling déjà vu? Is there some crazy chick about to yell at you for no reason? I promise to shove a napkin in her mouth for you.
    Kk
Thank you, Kitkat! Slip a barbecued shrimp in that napkin for her, will you? I don't hate her, and I worry about her health.

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kzoopair 72M/71F
25831 posts
2/22/2015 8:05 am

    Quoting Pixie_11:
    KZ,

    I wasn't going to say exactly what KK said, however, having just read a most beautifully written story ... the one line that stuck, as if no words or story preceded it, was "But lately, I've been having a feeling of deja vu."

    .Pixie
Sometimes life is just a B movie- film noir- that plays over and over in my head. Body Heat.
Thank you, Pixie.

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kzoopair 72M/71F
25831 posts
2/22/2015 8:10 am

    Quoting  :

Being blindsided was the worst of it- I hadn't had a chance to use her yet, hadn't even decided that I was going to. And I don't think my love for Petra was exactly unrequited. I just fucked it up, by not speaking up.

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kzoopair 72M/71F
25831 posts
2/22/2015 8:11 am

    Quoting  :

Thank you. I did have fun recalling it.

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kzoopair 72M/71F
25831 posts
2/22/2015 8:15 am

    Quoting  :

Thank you, honey. And no, I did not see that coming. I expected something incomprehensible to me. So....you're welcome.

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kzoopair 72M/71F
25831 posts
2/22/2015 8:17 am

    Quoting  :

Yeah...clever Kitkat, isn't she?

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kzoopair 72M/71F
25831 posts
2/22/2015 10:19 am

    Quoting  :

There were a couple of Lindas who were fun. I met them after the Linda Incident. But I kept my shoes and socks on and my car keys in my teeth.

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kzoopair 72M/71F
25831 posts
2/22/2015 10:26 am

    Quoting  :

By the way, I left something important out of this post, and out of my response to you: Petra IS the reason I tell people when I am fond of them, and I don't hold back. That is as true a statement as I will ever make. I make it no secret that I'm happy with my life- I got very lucky. But I forever regretted letting her slip away due to my own pig-headedness. You never know what might happen, and I don't know today that it would have been heaven, but you can't win if you don't play.

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petitandnaughty 113F
9755 posts
2/22/2015 11:21 am

Lovely story, masterly told. Thank you for the pleasure!

Visit my blog It's a Mad, Mad, Mad World of NaughtyInSO, leave a comment, become a watcher.
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kzoopair 72M/71F
25831 posts
2/22/2015 11:29 am

    Quoting petitandnaughty:
    Lovely story, masterly told. Thank you for the pleasure!
Thank YOU! It was my pleasure having you here!

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smartasswoman 66F  
35813 posts
2/22/2015 12:02 pm

Good post - but banish your regrets about Petra. You've landed in a very good place.


kzoopair 72M/71F
25831 posts
2/22/2015 3:13 pm

    Quoting smartasswoman:
    Good post - but banish your regrets about Petra. You've landed in a very good place.
Yes, I really did. P.D. and I talked about this while we hiked today- she has a few what if's too. This particular one had a lasting effect on me though. Not overnight...but soon, I began saying what was on my mind instead of holding back. There will be more rejection with an attitude like that, but I will have at least tried. And I can live with that. I would never have met and won my wife had I not been changed by this event. So it's bittersweet...bitter for what was lost and sweet for how it enlightened me.

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humorlife 56M
5710 posts
2/23/2015 9:10 pm

My God, where to start?

First off, about marriage. I am in the process of putting my first marriage behind me, and I do not consider it my failure. There is a lot of truth to the statement that love is blind, and, especially if one’s partner truly wishes to be married, it can be hard to be… what’s a good word. Seduced? It’s as good as any.

When studying the Beats, neglect not Gregory Corso, the clown prince of the beat movement. (Bob Dylan, while not a beat by any conventional definition, also showed flashes of humor, especially in his first few albums. Wrap an ear around “Bob Dylan’s 115th Dream” and be prepared to giggle for a while.) Yeah, yeah, I know – where was this commentary when you were candlelit and morose?

And granted, for every Gregory Corso there was an Antonin Artaud, so maybe I’m all wet, after all.

As for your story about Linda and Petra… wow. You painted an exquisite picture of Linda, and you did so with damned little dialog. Exotic and nuts comes through in spades. Others have said it, but I'll echo: This was a masterful piece of storytelling.

As for the warning sign inherent in your piece… message received. I never did like gym class, anyway.

By the way, any friend of Slats Grobnik is a friend of mine…

Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic


kzoopair 72M/71F
25831 posts
2/23/2015 10:58 pm

    Quoting humorlife:
    My God, where to start?

    First off, about marriage. I am in the process of putting my first marriage behind me, and I do not consider it my failure. There is a lot of truth to the statement that love is blind, and, especially if one’s partner truly wishes to be married, it can be hard to be… what’s a good word. Seduced? It’s as good as any.

    When studying the Beats, neglect not Gregory Corso, the clown prince of the beat movement. (Bob Dylan, while not a beat by any conventional definition, also showed flashes of humor, especially in his first few albums. Wrap an ear around “Bob Dylan’s 115th Dream” and be prepared to giggle for a while.) Yeah, yeah, I know – where was this commentary when you were candlelit and morose?

    And granted, for every Gregory Corso there was an Antonin Artaud, so maybe I’m all wet, after all.

    As for your story about Linda and Petra… wow. You painted an exquisite picture of Linda, and you did so with damned little dialog. Exotic and nuts comes through in spades. Others have said it, but I'll echo: This was a masterful piece of storytelling.

    As for the warning sign inherent in your piece… message received. I never did like gym class, anyway.

    By the way, any friend of Slats Grobnik is a friend of mine…
When the girl is comely and gives great head, it's easy enough to think she's bright. As many of us have seen, that wears off. It sounds cold but I have seen other besides you and I to do it.
As to Corso...I liked him a lot better when he got old...then, he was a hoot. I didn't find much humor in the French symbolists either back then- maybe it was just me.
Linda was my inspiration for "Warning Signs"....but the real story here, the one that stayed with me these decades, was my failure to secure the diosa. I left a lot of that unsaid. And I don't exaggerate when I say she changed my life. How many times have I kicked myself over that? I was burned by two beautiful young women and I was determined that she would not do the same. She gave me every indication that she was receptive, and finally she just gave up. Slats woulda smacked me upside the head.
Thanks, HG. I probably wouldn't be posting anything at all without your encouragement, and that of my other friends here. I had more fun with this than anything so far.

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canyaz 56F
17128 posts
2/24/2015 3:34 am

What an amazing gift you have for storytelling. Bravo!

There is a difference between a good BJ and a bad BJ.
canyaz


Mature43Sums 69F  
117 posts
2/24/2015 8:36 am

That story needs to be continued.....I want to know what happened to Linda????


kzoopair 72M/71F
25831 posts
2/24/2015 9:54 am

    Quoting canyaz:
    What an amazing gift you have for storytelling. Bravo!
Gosh, you're swell! Thank you honey! I had a lot of fun with this once I remembered it. Maybe it just shows. Damn it but that Linda Incident was embarrassing!

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kzoopair 72M/71F
25831 posts
2/24/2015 10:05 am

    Quoting Mature43Sums:
    That story needs to be continued.....I want to know what happened to Linda????
Me too! She kind of drifted away after that. She DID apologize to me eventually and I told her to forget about it- no permanent harm done. Obviously, the love that never was, the one that got away- Petra- is what continues to be my most vivid memory.

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kzoopair 72M/71F
25831 posts
2/25/2015 4:53 pm

I'll do my best...when I'm motivated.

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kzoopair 72M/71F
25831 posts
2/25/2015 5:04 pm

    Quoting  :

I think the original Linda was a lot more palatable than the replacement- heart size included. And you never need a reason to stop in and visit me. You'll always be welcome. if I'd known you were coming I'd have set out the good dinnerware.

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kzoopair 72M/71F
25831 posts
2/28/2015 8:45 am

    Quoting  :

I don't remember seeing that book and I know I haven't heard the recording. I loved the Beatles but I was never any kind of Beatlemaniac- I just loved their music and listened to it a lot. I'm going to search for those photos. Thanks!

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