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Posted:Jul 14, 2012 1:23 pm
Last Updated:Sep 1, 2013 1:14 pm
5952 Views
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Have something to say but you don't want to share it with everybody? Not sure where to put it? Right here! All replies to this post are for my eyes only. I left partial info about me in a comment as well. Can't tell the slightly warped but mostly harmless Xmatch blogger without the program after all.
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Parts is Parts?
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Posted:Oct 30, 2012 5:08 pm
Last Updated:Nov 13, 2012 4:50 am
5777 Views
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A tale of two jokes. It was the best of names. It was the worst of names.
I forget where I heard the concept that explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. In both cases taking it apart helps you understand how it works at the cost of making it not work anymore. Let's get out the scalpel and ruin the pretty lame joke that became my name since some seem to miss it.
Lot's of men's names on here and other adult sites on the internet revolve around their cock. (If that's a revelation to you congratulations on waking up from the coma and welcome to Xmatch.) A good chunk of the others revolve around a specific sexual act. Usually there isn't much creativity...unless you count blatant exaggeration. When I made my account I had what I thought was the great idea of using a cock inspired name with tongue firmly in cheek. I settled on the old Wendy's marketing slogan. "How awesome would that be?" I thought to myself as I filled in the information.
Some get the tongue in cheek nature of it which is awesome. Some miss the reference which is understandable. Some...well... some read it a different way and thus the second joke which is at my expense.
That different reading takes it from humorous to homoerotic. I am a straight man with a name that sets off gaydar all over Xmatch. That's less awesome but maybe even funnier.
Parts are not parts.
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A joke and some nudity
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Posted:Oct 29, 2012 10:03 pm
Last Updated:Sep 1, 2013 1:38 pm
5863 Views
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I think I've figured out the dynamic of blogs on Xmatch. Nudity and jokes are the key to "winning" as an Xmatch blogger. So today's blog features both to catch up for my rampant nonconformity.
A man walks into a bar. *CLUNG*
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I didn't say...
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Posted:Oct 27, 2012 8:47 am
Last Updated:Oct 30, 2012 8:58 pm
5952 Views
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I didn't say I would, regardless of the poll. I thought it was just really funny to post the poll. Apparently I encouraged someone enough to start costume design.
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Halloween and Dildos.. WTF???
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Posted:Oct 25, 2012 3:17 pm
Last Updated:Oct 27, 2012 10:51 am
6255 Views
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To stay within the rules, and not appear to be shilling for a product, I'll leave the searching to you. I will just say zombie dildo and let you go off to your nearest search engine while I pause.
*whistles the Jeopardy song*
Yes for around 70 Dollars (at least where I saw it) you can get your very own shambling-dead-like Zombie cock. What better way to celebrate the holiday than a sex toy imitating dead flesh? Every girl wants her very own undead lover. Some might say they already dated or married one of the reanimated. Maybe when they are moaning it's not for brains.
Just when I thought I'd seen it all on the internet...
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An open note to Xmatch men
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Posted:Oct 21, 2012 5:51 pm
Last Updated:Sep 1, 2013 6:37 pm
6266 Views
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Bottom line up front: Don't be a douche. (Before you start to quibble and whine remember that every guy reading this thinks it's the other guys...including me.)
If you aren't the type that wants to read or think, and just want the Cliff Notes please go straight to point 7. Some helpful things to remember as lust, and the dynamic of men on Xmatch being like the pack of hounds chasing the one wily fox, takes over your interactions on Xmatch:
1) Rejection. She doesn't magically go from being the sexiest human being in the history of the univers to a fat, old, ugly, hunchbacked, disease ridden, toothless, balding, hair lipped, skanky troll in the time it takes her to say no. We all knew you were blowing it out your ass to get in her pants at the beginning. We all know the other is just a tantrum. I've never seen a woman suddenly scream "Yes, yes, NOW I want to fuck you" after this happens. Everyone who sees or hears about your tantrum will be laughing at you. How's that for rejection?
2) Brains. They're not just for zombies anymore. It's the primary sexual organ in humans. Use it. Engage your brain and hers in the seduction. Or you can behave like a monkey at the zoo alternately pointing at your crotch and flinging shit around the room. Your call.
3) Respect. We get it; you want sex not happily ever after. It doesn't mean you can't combine respectful with naughty. Even if what turns you on is leading a woman around on a leash while calling her a dirty little cum slut, respect is possible.
4) Cocks. They are everywhere here. Yours may be a nice one. She may want to talk about or see it early. She might not. If you actually want to get yours in a woman try an approach besides the equivalent of walking in the room, whipping it out, and screaming "Who wants it?"
5) Bragging. Just know the more you do, the more the message that your are wildly insecure gets across. At the same time everything you say becomes less believable. Maybe you really do fuck for 4 hours straight without a break like the energizer bunny (and let me pause to say "OWWW! chafing... send lube!") and will show up to take her out in a Lamborghini. It's unlikely she'll ever find out. Confidence is sexy.
6) Sense of humor. Have one. Be able to laugh at yourself along with others. We like to talk about meeting to have "fun" around here. If you aren't fun on Xmatch why would you be fun in person? (Note the answer is NOT "My cock." See point 2 and 4.)
7) Chicks. Ignore the rest. Chicks love it when you call them chicks. Especially if right afterwards you ask which of them wants to see your cock on cam. If they turn you down insult them. You'll score, yo!!!
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Swinging With the Finkels
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Posted:Oct 20, 2012 12:11 pm
Last Updated:Mar 29, 2024 12:53 am
5501 Views
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Just a little movie that I picked up at Redbox. It had some fun dialogue and some hilarious stereotypes taken to the extreme when they are interviewing couples to swap with. The experience actually making their stale marriage worse when they couldn't talk about it after felt real. The finish with neither of them going through with it in the celebration of monogamy as part of the hollywood one true love happy ending sort of made me gag.
Overall a fun little movie, just reshaped into the Hollywood Romantic Comedy, despite having an edgy title. Anybody who's spent much time here might enjoy the meeting crazy couples montage though.
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Unsure...
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Posted:Jul 14, 2012 6:59 am
Last Updated:Oct 31, 2012 10:01 pm
6003 Views
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Not sure how much I will use this. I'm guessing it will more be the odd, random Xmatch-related thought. It's certainly not going to be a tightly themed blog with regular postings.
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To link to this blog (WheresTheBeef) use [blog WheresTheBeef] in your messages.
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