Sorry that I have not been blogging much... the workload have been piling up since I started my bible school this month. A lot of reading plus doing reflective assignments after that. Plus next Monday is our upcoming exam, and need to revise through 4 modules of books we have completed so far.
Even after school, I don't get to go home on time much. There's lunches for fellowshipping with my team mates, or the two students that stayed with me have to attend their own team's lunches or staying back for their own ministry duties. I felt bad they have to rush me home to carry the heavy electric wheelchair back to our non lift level unit, then rushed back to school or to meet their friends.
So these days, I also told them they can go ahead for their various ministry or fellowship, which I tried to arrange for other agencies in my neighbourhood zone to help me with the wheelchair issue. But that also mean I have to wait for the agencies' workers to come over at their own timing to pick up the wheelchair, which mean I get home even later too. Logistics issue is such a chore when there's no direct lift access back home.
Some days I tried to come back later, mainly to avoid my older caregiver's marriage issue. She has been using me as a replacement of her own daughter to share her negative emotions of her husband's infidelty. Actually, I felt this should be discussed with her adult children than me, even though I am a trainer in mental health and people naturally drawn to me coz I am a good listener. But I felt she has overstep my boundary in the sense this is my home, and my bedroom is the intimate place with my stroke Hubby. But ever since both of us have health issues, we have to engage external part time caregivers to come into our room to assist us with showering.
But nowadays, the moment I am left alone with her, she would keep crying and her endless rumination focused on negative events and emotions such as bitterness and unresolved anger. I felt overwhelmed coz I got nowhere to run in my own house! I'm already tired after a half day of listening to lectures in bible school, my brain needs a rest too. So I have to resort to staying back for lunches which is not compulsory but just to get back home later, then she would be forced to focus on the housekeeping tasks she has to do, than just sitting down and crying to me, which is really not so appropriate for our thrice a week caregiver and client relationship too, because she needs a therapist to work on her issues, not just venting to me every time she sees me.
She can't keep running from the reality and she need to let her adult children knows, so they can be her source for support, not me. I can listen some time but not as a full time therapist capacity. She keep delaying telling her situation to her children which she promised since last few months, so I have to resort to coming late or arranging my freelance work, to do teaching class discussion with my co-trainer at the same time with her timing. This way give me more excuses to not allow too much alone time with her for her to keep venting. And she would leave me alone to go about her housekeeping tasks which she is tasked in the job scope.
Finally, the zone family service centre has arranged for her to see a therapist this week onwards. I just hope she would reveal to her children soon so with more supports, her mental health can improve as she slowly come to term with the denial and loss. I found out she's a Scorpio while her Hubby is a Libra! No wonder they can't match well... she can be quite a control freak while he now keep saying he longed for his own freedom without her! Yes, Libra can be pretty heartless too coz they flirt too much to want to just be happy with one!
I just pray that the therapist can help to prepare her for the divorce processing which she has to pay $12K!!! Wow, divorce is so expensive!!! Plus the unknown future of where to go once they have to sell their marital home. I can see her strength as a loving Scorpio being faithful to one, but too bad she has chosen one who despite his old age already, still want to play the field. Yet I also can understand a carefree Libra wants freedom all the time, and would feel very suffocated under the iron fist of a Scorpio.
Looking back at my own foolishness in the past, I am glad my Hubby still loves me despite I'm the one who committed adultery again and again. Partially I was mad with him for his addiction to porn... which made me feel I'm never good enough than the images he watched all days. We both came into marriage with all the wrong expectations... no one is perfect. Yes, Hubby is still addicted to porn but he has learn to show me respect by not watching when I'm around anymore. But also, I'm barely at home these days too with my punishing schedule.
And with my attention turned to GOD as my pillar for my needs, I no longer crave for sex or the attention of other men. Yup, sounds like a boring old maid now... but I felt SAFE... what I used to do was putting my own life in danger meeting unknown men for affection... now Life is so much simpler and no more mood swings due to rejections or hurts by others who used me then dumped me at their convenience. I was like the woman by the well, where others want to cast stones at me... but Jesus didn't judge me and told me to forgo my sinful ways.
These days I just wish to blend into the wallpaper and stay under the radar... but it seems that's not the purpose GOD creates me for. I was invited by my pastors to share twice in our weekend services... and yesterday the local TV crew came to do filming in my home about my story for 4 over hours for a charity fund raising event in June. The TV crew even seek permission to go to my award day with local healthcare in end of May to shoot me going up for the award too! Wowww!
The TV crew's main directress was telling me when they completed the shooting yesterday... that I'm such a natural actress plus I have very beautiful expressive 'watery teary sad eyes', reminding her of these Taiwanese writer Chiung Yao, who always choose actresses with these eyes for her sad romance works which were adapted into dramas. An example would be Zhao Wei Vicky actress in My Fair Princess who also has that expressive playful yet bittersweet sad eyes in the drama.
I'm thqnkful for her compliment and yes I know, my eyes are my best features... but also these eyes can seduce guys easily coz it's hard for guys to reject me when I put up my puss in the boots pleading look... But now, I rather not look at guys too long for fear of giving anyone the wrong message. A part of me still wish to blend into the wallpaper if possible... but seems too hard coz I'm the only one in wheelchair in the whole cohort! I'm already sooooo obvious!!!
Actually after being invited up to share my story, I did noticed a slight changes in my team mates this week. Not sure but a part of it felt that one of them seems to be envy of me going up the stage and choose not to pay me any attention when I tried to talk to him during our break time. Anyway, he does not belong to my church and have a different spirit in term of team building. Even though he's from another local church to enrol into our bible school, he doesn't seems willing to serve in our church's ministry which is part of the bible school requirements, stating he's already serving in his own local church. So I felt he needs some time to adjust to the school's requirements after all.
Maybe he's from that type of more traditional church where he doesn't listen much to ladies by thinking men are to be the Heads... and also this backward cultural concept is quite common in his culture too since we are also not the same race. And I already met too many of his kind to know the men in their race have that in them to think women only belonged in the kitchen. I also noticed he don't even serve others during our fellowship time.
I think this Brother is still in a shock at how modern my Pentecostal church's view on women leadership is like. Even in our lectures, our male Pastors also spoken on women rising up to be heard even using bible scriptures. So spiritual value for women leadership can be important than just cultural views on forced submission.
Anyway, I'm just happy to learn more about my faith, the history and how to lead a simple quiet in my safe zone life with other like minded believers. We all are also not perfect so offenses would still come and go. Beside, this is only a 6 months diploma. I hope he will grow in The Lord with an open mind to learn our bible school way of preaching to the masses in the modern world, or he would turn people especially women away with that prideful attitude of his. If becoming a Pastor is his future plan to gloried himself as someone high up there like too holy or almightly, he gotten miss the point that even Jesus sits humbly with the prostitutes and tax collectors in order to share with them the way to the Kingdom of GOD. This Brother still have a lot to learn...
It took a lot for me to be where I am now too... to be at peace with my GOD and to venture out hoping to serve HIM again. GOD has to teach me humility in the midst of my suffering to see things in different light now...
2 comments
There's absolutely no need need to apologise for not blogging much. Life gets in the way for better or worse, and in your case, it's for better.
@spunkycumfun It's better to be occupied with some works than being idle with unnecessary negative thoughts too.