A little break

Woke up about an hour before midnight... I must have dozed off after my dinner while listening to a gospel song by an Australian singer Mark Stevens on youtube. He was in my church recently and GOD has blessed him with a beautiful voice and much talents too. He shared about his drug uses which messes up his life till he gave his heart to The Lord and slowly got clean since then.

Actually, I do have a bible meeting this Friday night but I have been feeling really unwell for over a week now. I was down with a flu bug that is going around the school cohort. Even the two bible students staying in my home also gotten it so the 3 of us were coughing and sneezing away the past week. Due to my compromised immunity as a heart & kidney failure dialysis patient, it gotten so bad that I was breathless the past few days.

My dialysis nurse measured me with an oximeter and gotten a reading of 91%... she immediately asked me to take down my mask so I can breathe better. Any lower than that, she would have to call in the ambulance and take me to the hospital! I didn't want that so I just took 2 days off on Tues and Wed to rest at home after my Monday's exam.

I made it to school on Thursday and Friday, fighting very hard not to fall asleep by not taking my medication.., with weird scribbles on my workbook only proved that I did dozed off a few times while in lectures as my body was soooo tired. At first I wanted to stay back for the school's worship ministry practice till 5pm as a guest to see, but I have another important discussion at 3pm with my dialysis medical social worker. Being wise, I decided to head home right after school to rest.

Being honest, this discussion was about my current dialysis escort company VM. I used to be fetched by a previous escort company DT which provided me with very good service for the past 5 years with them. Unfortunately, with the change of management in the dialysis HQ, there was a change in vendor for the 3rd party escort company since Dec 8 last year. DT has been serving 120 patients with the HQ but the HQ decided to take 40 patients away to give to VM, which unfortunately I was one of the selected ones.

My main issue with VM was that this company has a weird habit of forcing the patient to be photographed once in the van being strapped up with the seatbelt, and also another two photographs of the locked front wheels and back wheels, totally 3 photos each time when fetching. So that means 6 photos a day for two trips to and back. Which is 18 photos for thrice a week dialysis treatments. I didn't like it at all, especially in the past 13 years I was sick and using many different escort companies prior, none of the other vendor did this.

I know the reason is to prove that safety is in check but come on, this is a medical van transportation. I know in the healthcare, there's a rule not to photograph patients in ambulance or hospital settings. So why in private healthcare, is this being allowed? I didn't signed any agreement with this 3rd party vendor to take my photos, but I did signed an agreement with the private dialysis HQ as their patient for photo taking when during orientation. Usually the photos are for their events or corporate purposes, that's what I remembered.

As the months passes, I get more annoyed with this issue... and at first I don't know why... I mean in our modern days now, being photographed isn't a big issue. It was until in my dialysis therapy session that 'flashback' are coming back... For those of you who know my past... I couldn't work after my heart failure as none of the doctors were willing to certify me fit for work after seeing my enlarged heart on the x-ray. But I still have a mentally ill husband and a household to support. So I turned to selling my body to get money when I couldn't find work.

That was the darkest lowest period of my life... I did meet some good people from this site. But I also met some that abused me physically... as I experienced the danger and horror of being a sex worker. One particular client, a young man who goes to gym often came. Despite my rule on no phone is allowed into the room (I have a locker for the clients to keep their stuff), he had another phone and while he pushed me down on the bed with his strength, he took photos and videos of our session against my will. I could not report him, I am already living in shame of my work and even if I make a report, no police will take me seriously, thinking I am paid for it... you know what I mean? Our agreement for such session was only 45 mins but he took his time with me... I almost died in his hands as he continue to assault me, pining me down as I struggled for breathe over the two hours he forced himself on me.

After he left, I was so traumatized. I realised I could have died... I was left very sick for a few days, unable to function properly and even gotten admitted to hospital later. The result was I did have a heart attack during that episode from the troponins marker reading in the heart ward. I didn't tell anyone out of shame and fear... and somehow as I stopped this sex service to unknown men anymore, my PTSD mind have slowly blocked out the trauma over the years since I stopped. But with being forced to be photographed by unknown strangers (new drivers the VM sent as ad hoc service) while strapped up, my mind is being triggered again and again... bringing back the flashbacks!!!

But despite me pleading with the dialysis HQ to transfer me back to the DT that I trusted, the HQ management keep rejecting my medical social worker's appeal for the last 5 months. Finally on Thursday's dialysis therapy session, I shared with my intern therapist the truth on these flashbacks. She consulted with their main Doctor/psychologist. With both their support, my medical social worker told me they would try to appeal one more time with my report to their management to let me be transfer back to DT. I really hope they would approved this time.

I like DT company coz even though they are not of my same faith, but they are from another faith with strong moral values and professional ethics. And in fact this DT company is more of family-related staff who are relatives or some connections. So I know them well already, who is who father in law, who is the son in law, etc. Totally unlike VM company who hire all sort of strange character drivers who do ad hoc services with no committment or proper training. Can you imagine getting into a GRAB ride and the stranger (driver) said need to take your photo when you are strapped up in seatbelt just to show safety requirement? And then you wonder, where the photos get sent to? To whom? To where? Would you consider a violation of your own right if the driver refused coz it is his own rule that must take your photos as he wish?

Actually, after Monday's exam, I was shocked to see the HQ rejected my appeal once more. I was so distressed that I made a trip down to the HQ with the help of my part time caregiver. I even called in the police just to witness what the HQ management said, that they didn't ask VM to take photos of the patients, it was the VM's own company rules to do so, to make the ad hoc drivers accountable to strap the patients up for safety reasons.

Well, that prove the HQ didn't sign any permission to let the VM take the patients' photos. This is already considered violation on the VM's side, correct? They also never seek permission from the patients allocated to them to be photographed! In fact, with the police report, the next step is I can apply for Magistrate's Complaint to SG court to stop VM from harrassing me about the phototaking. But then, the HQ said if VM immediately dropped me from the escort service, they also can't get other vendors to take me in after the other vendors heard I'm from a non lift level unit which mean their staff need to carry the wheelchair for me.

I asked why can't they transfer me back as both my medical social worker and the DT company has agreed to help, the HQ said they only have allocated 80 patients' payment to DT these days and their HR do not agree to pay more. I might be able to transfer back only if the DT has a slot available, which mean another dialysis patient has died literally. So it's the HQ payroll issue... why took me out in the first place!!! Damn it! The HQ even says they do not want to offend the VM as with the increasing number of dialysis patients, they want all the different vendors to stay with them as much as possible. So in a way, the hint is they would not want to offend the VM boss for one patient.

Without lift access, I can't go to the dialysis centre on my own... and if I don't do my dialysis thrice a week, I can die within 5 days to 2 weeks. Sigh... it is like in order to live, I have to be subjected to whatever they arranged, even if it is bad for my mental health. Why do these unfeeling payroll HQ or HR people cares only about money but not the patient's mental health they claimed to serve with dignity or quality care.... my ass... sorry for my language... I'm having a meltdown on Monday coz of all the flashbacks... and it also accounted for my breathlessness the past days coz I cried non stop till my heart pained... I hope I didn't have another silent heart attack coz I was so sick since Monday I got home after the confrontation with the HQ.

This meltdown is really bad... I can't function normally... I have missed classes... more canceled appointments... even tomorrow, my Elder Sister canceled our monthly meet up to let me rest more after seeing I posted on my FB that I have been unwell. I only want to stay in bed to sleep... I'm so exhausted and edgy... constantly in that fight or flight mode... it's draining all my energy.

The therapist told me to think of my safe place... and I draw it for her... it is a place where I see my Jesus sitting on a log waiting for me... as he open up his arms to welcome me to sit next to him... behind there's greenery and a bright rainbow on the left... cute forestry animals peeking out from the trees nearby... and in the picture... I'm just a little kid... happily sitting down next to HIM... telling him my day... my fears... my troubles... my joy in going to bible school learning more about HIM... yes, this is my safe space.

So the therapist tells me, to think of my safe space whenever the triggers/flashbacks come back. I think partly the triggers are happening more often these days, was the likihood that the current VM driver is thinking of resigning and joining the DT company too. This current VM driver has been assigned to me and he has finally stopped taking my photos at my request (of a warning I might call the police and he didn't want to get involved) a month ago. He also didn't like to take photographs of patients as I'm not the only one who didn't like it. However, the other patients are much more elderly so they do not know the right channel to feedback so no one else complain formally like me. But when this regular driver go on his annual leave, I have to be forced to be taken photos by other ad hoc strangers they sent to fetch me! So the flashbacks started again!

At this moment, I can only keep praying to The Lord on this matter. I want to live of course, so I still needed the help to get me to my dialysis centre. I'm also waiting for the day when the lift upgrading program is completed for my block... in fact the new lift is just outside my door by a few metre! Then I can drive my electric wheelchair to my dialysis sessions myself and no longer subjected to such treatments by others anymore. I may be sick but I have my dignity back by then, no longer keep on begging others for help to go out independently.

This is not an easy world for people with disabilities... or those in wheelchairs. We are often pushed aside... brushed aside as nobody... our voices are not heard... So I have to fight harder for my survival coz no one would do it for me. To others, I might sounds like a mid life Karen to them as I voice out. But I know, I just want to live... I'm not a trouble maker... I just want peace in my life... and to live as long as I can coz I still need to take care of my mentally ill Hubby who also in a wheelchair due to his stroke 3 years ago.

I cannot fall... I must fight for myself to stay alive. #GetStronger