Had a surgery Part 1 - The Chaos

I think I am weak in rejecting others... because I have been on the receiving end of rejections so much that I don't like to see the disappointment in others' eyes when they ask me for help. So despite my crazy schedule, I keep piling up demands and requests from others. In my previous few posts, I barely have time for rest with my crazy schedule... inside I'm trying to cope being a normal person yet I know I'm not with all my health limitations.

Even a simple task like getting out from my non lift level unit to go to school, I need to trouble others to carry my electric wheelchair down 2 flights of stairs or pay expensive fees to engage medical van transportation to go for events or even simple church service. I'm like fighting all odds just to be 'normal'... and it's stressing me out!

In my last post I shared that I had a collusion which resulted in a bump on my shin on Wednesday 13th May. It was painful and as the area began to swell up with discolouration, I made a trip to the ER on Monday 18th May, worried if I had a fracture as the pain didn't go away. Plus I was into my 3rd week of non stop coughing, flu and a persistent fever. I wondered if I have contracted the latest version of Covid with my compromised immunity. The x ray on the leg was fine, no fracture and the ER just cleaned my big bump and bandaged me up. Gave me a week of antibiotics, cough syrup and panadols and send me home.

But one of my older team mates in bible school got concerned when she saw my leg seems to be turning more blue black as days goes by. I endured till Thursday night and unfortunately, my dialysis nurses noticed the leg wound had turned whitish... which means pus was forming inside having an infection! They quickly alerted their Nurse manager who came over and insisted that I should get to the ER right after my dialysis. This is dangerous as it can turned sepsis and fatal any time for a dialysis patient like me... because the dialysis circulation could bring the infection to all my other part of the body! She said I must go and cut to drain out the pus before it get more complicated or I also might lose my limb.

So the next Friday 23rd May afternoon, I ordered my medical van trip to the ER again... I packed my stuff after a quarrel with my Hubby. He was in one of his psychosis moods, complaining that I have no time for him after I started my bible school, and I'm always out of the house everyday... or even if I'm home, I'm busy teaching on zoom, having endless meetings or just sleeping away... True, I have been trying to catch up on sleep with this flu like symptoms for 3 weeks... and I am so fatigued that I even nodding off in classes already. Signs that I needed REST desperately! Everyone wants my committment, my attention but no one ever ask if I am okay? AND I AM NOT OKAY... I'm tiredddd...

I only wanted to go for a 6 months bible school to study and learn more about my faith... but maybe my understanding was just studies on a tabletop kinda' of learning... but it was more of training the younger ones into ministries work. I signed up for ministries I wanted to try, but got rejected 3 times... till I was being forced to take up the only ministry (usher) that I don't think I will be a good candidate for. I can't even bring people to their seats in my wheelchair, right? I can't run up or down the aisle passing the money envelope or do the normal things an able bodied person can do.

So they put me in the entrance to greet people as they come in for service. I ended up with a hoarse voice that weekend, as it is also bad for dialysis patient who cannot drink too much fluids to make up for the over an hour greeting to everyone. I got fluid limit of only 800ml per day and if I drink more, I might ended up with too much fluids in my blood (I can't urine) and it can led to high blood pressure or even stroke for me if I am not careful.

The other two international students that stayed in my home were sponsored by their church, even their accommodation fees were later sponsored by a kind member in my church. Being on student pass, they are carefree to join more than one ministry and both of them signed up for 3-4 ministries to learn. It's good for them as they are young and can easily travel around. But I can't and I needed to co-ordinated with them for their assistance to go school and come back together.

However with their ministries commitments, I ended up going to school or Sunday church for much longer and earlier hours, and staying back longer to wait for them too, causing me to have lesser time to be home to rest. For example, church starts at 10am, but I need to leave the house at 7am with them so they can reached church by 7.45am to serve. And I only reached home on Sat night after dialysis about 11pm... I barely have few hours rest and out for church again. I won't get home till 3pm in the afternoon and I still have a stroke ridden Hubby to take care too.

The build up and lack of sleep went on for the past two months... till I guess my body cannot even recover from a common flu. And I don't know how to explain to the laymen with no understanding of my medical conditions... I did try to inform the older Usher team leader that I will try my best but I cannot do too much. Immediately, she got upset and said I must serve willingly and not half heartedly. The 4 months commitment to weekly ministry is part of the bible school's module which I wasn't aware until I started school.

Hey, again asking me to go all out to serve at the expense of my life? Yes, I love to know GOD more but my body is weak, that's a fact. No wonder I don't see anyone in a wheelchair serving in church... maybe they too, have to endure such discriminating remarks that they don't want to stay either.

I really struggle within... I told GOD how I felt... all these extra duties and events are causing me a lot on my financial too. How I wish the lift is ready so I need not rely on the two students' schedules. I also wish to have the freedom to meet my own team mates for lunches and not being hurried home so they students can help me with the wheelchair back and then they rushed back to bible school for their ministries. I felt bad they had to miss their lunches just to send me back too. So I always prepared meals for them to eat almost daily. That also add into my expenses.

Really, I was going through a lot of doubts the past week before I got into the ER... the doctors on site after inspecting my leg, told me to be admitted and stop all drink or food... they were tryin to find a slot to get me into the surgical room asap... but I need to FAST at least 8 hours... so in the wee morning at 1am on Saturday 24th May, I was wheeled inside for the procedure. I was out after an hour plus later. However, I didn't expect that there was a device sucking the bloody fluids from my surgical wound attached to a machine in a bag! And now I am stuck with it... until my wound grow back... and it is not small!!! It might take months or even a year depending on my body. That's suck coz I'm always malutrition due to my gastric sleeved surgery and my body don't absorb nutrients well.

What have I gotten myself into? Why am I so useless? I struggles with defeated depressive dark thoughts... should I give up on the studies? But I'm 1/3 into the course... just 4 months more to go, don't give up!!!

In the Bone Injury Ward being sandwiched with 2-3 dementia elderlies who scream all the time due to their pains, I also didn't sleep well... it was a torturing 5 days stay till I finally gotten discharged on Wednesday 28th May. I reached home almost 8pm... only managed to unpack some essentials and slept like a baby on my own bed finally. Thursday also slept till late noon... then ate some food... I got up to soak my clothing, bag and stuff which I brought to the hospital. I was diagnosed with MRSA infection which is caused by a type of staph bacteria that's become resistant to many of the antibiotics used to treat ordinary staph infections. It is contracted mainly in hospital or nursing home... even dialysis where a lot of patients stay together. I didn't want to pass it to Hubby so everything I brought back had to be soak. I was also given medications for this.

By late afternoon, I had to be out of my home again... going for my regular dialysis session till 11pm. My bible school contracted me, telling me they are having guests from oversea to visit our school and like to use my wheelchair space to put up chairs for them... which I of course understood what they want so I said I won't be coming then. In the end they allowed me to zoom for Friday's lesson. Honestly, I felt they shouldn't take away my space area when I paid for my fee myself, I'm not sponsored like the others and even if I am not there, the space should be vacant for me. I felt disrespected but I guess people think it is okay to do so to people with disability.

Anyway, the school works already piled up... I stopped taking my strong painkillers to stay sober and quickly did a reading of 100+ pages to write an assignment to be submitted on Friday night before midnight. Borrowed the study guides from one of the students to copy as coming Monday I will have 2 exams paper plus another assignment due after reading another 200 pages+ ebook as well. I'm gotten skipped Sunday service in person and watch online today. Mainly due to that my leg still hurt, the shin wound is sore and I need to elevate it up at all time.

Plus, I don't have so much money to pay for expensive medical van trip to Sunday service at the moment. I have to bear in mind I have over spend this month's budget with the endless trips to ER, and having to pay for the medical wound nurses coming twice a week to change my wound, not sure what other costs to incur too with this recovery process. ( medical stuff like bandages, wound dressing materials, solutions for sterlization, etc) and I still need to go back 2 weeks later for follow up!

My medical chit can allow me to rest till this coming Thursday and I am thinking of it too. Because this week the students need to go early to bible school for their Team serving week and I do need some rest to get stronger first too. I'm gotten see how it goes on Monday to discuss with the admin staff on the arrangement.