A trying period

I'm doing my best in the midst of very challenging times... my father in law has survived another bout of emergency admission due to infection and still in the hospital. But the medical team deemed the maid won't be able to care for his more advance state of hospice care, so they are planning to transfer him to a temporary hospice care till they can get a nursing home for him. I still need to arrange for others to bring my Hubby in a wheelchair to go see his Dad every now and then.

As for me, my shin wound hasn't fully healed and it keep weeping with bodily fluids with normal dressings... that I might have to ask for 2nd opinion if I should be placed back on the Negative pressure wound therapy (NPWT) machine again. That is known as vacuum-assisted wound pressure, is a medical technique used for managing and treating various types of wounds. It is carried out via a vacuum pump, facilitating healing by creating an environment conducive to tissue healing and regeneration. But it is not convenient to move about with a tube attached to a 2kg machine and every changing of clothing is a big hassle too.

Plus I keep having fluctuating fever after they removed the machine about 10 days ago... plus my body seems to went into shock with endless mense bleeding for 20+ days... I felt so weak lately. I don't know if I might have push my limits too much as my bible school insisted that I need to fulfill the ministry hours as part of the diploma. So now I ended up agreeing to pay back my missed ministry hours (from those hospitalized leave) from next few Sundays onwards.

Actually, my body is feeling extremely tired with a low heart EF of 27-35%. I begun to fall asleep uncontrollably in class till I rather take more leave using my shin wound issues. The truth is I need to keep my leg elevated so the wound won't keep weeping so much fluids down the leg, as my weak heart will not be strong enough to have good leg circulation which led to further water retention in the lower limb, causing more fluids to ooz out!

I rather zoom at home to keep my leg elevated since my leader told me I just need to do my best to come if I can. I realised it is hard for people to understand health matters like mine which is so complicated. And I am tired of explaining either. It's not that I don't have FAITH, the truth is I am terminally ill and trying my best... but my exterior seems okay to all of them who doesn't know how SICK I really am.

Well, not their faults... they didn't expect such a student like me. They thought I am just a student on a wheelchair. But I myself didn't expect how complicated it is getting these days, with one of my live in bible school boys always missing Sunday service that we have problems getting home to my non lift level unit after my church and ministry almost every day including school days. The lift upgrading is still not completed yet and I still have about less than 3 months to completion of my diploma in bible school.

I'm beyond tired.... really very exhausted with all these logistic issues to go out and come back home to rest. I'm also trying my best to counsel my caregiver who's going through her divorce matters. So far she is listening to my advices to focus on her own future planning than keep spying on her husband and his mistress and keep comparing with the younger woman, getting bitter with him and endless fights, even resorting to taking sleeping pills when she cannot sleep. As I am home doing zoom, I can still have more energy to talk to her at times... but this can't go on as it is also affecting my studies. I will have to slowly wean her off of endless ruminating and focus on working on her life after divorce (like where to stay, how to find a job or go for re training to get back to full time workforce, etc.)

Around me, I see endless sufferings and people in crisis. Another friend reached out to me, asking me to help counsel a mum with a special need kid. As much as I like to help, now I need to self help first so I need to also prioritized what's important. Just as everyone reaches out for Jesus' attention to help or give them advices... Jesus also withdrawn from the crowd to do his own quiet time alone for an hour a day.

So I also need to be wise to have my own time to pray and seek GOD. Plus with my health conditions, I will do my best and might withdrawn when necessary if the demands are too much for my health to handle. Of course I don't wish to give up my studies when I am already halfway through it, but most likely I will ask my cardiologist to give a memo to let my school knows my condition in full, that they can allow me some breather if I really need to nurse my shin wound at home and study via zoom than prolonging my shin recovery. Too much fluids will make the wound too moist to heal properly too.

In the midst of all these chaos, I hope something good will come out eventually. Reminding me of The Japanese art of kintsugi- by repairing broken pieces, with their golden seams, one become stronger and more resilient, symbolizing the ability to overcome adversity and find beauty in the process. It is a powerful metaphor for personal growth and healing, encouraging individuals to embrace their own imperfections and the scars that come with life's experiences.