More changes ahead

Time flies when I was so busy the past 3 weeks since I last posted.

I was involved with a local major News production advocating on care-giving series. We had about 11 days of filming which can last up to 12 hours a day. To say that I'm exhausted is an understatement. My cardiac cough returned with a vengeance... while I was still splitting my schedule with thrice a week dialysis sessions on Mon, Wed & Fri, and still teaching my part time Tues mental health classes in the morning & also pursuing my associate degree through Thurs night classes that ended at 11pm. Alternate Thursday mornings, I also need to sit in with my Hubby's community nurse who will come to give him the fortnightly psychosis injections and an hour of therapies. Weekends will be busy with church & catching up on my weekly assignments.

Next week is Chinese New Year so finally there's a festive break. I'm looking forward to a little bit of rest... I'm thankful that finally a new part time caregiver was allocated to me 3 weeks ago from the service provider I was transferred to. She will come on every Wed's morning for 2 hours to shower me and help with basic housekeeping. So far, she proves to be a great help as she was well trained, younger and very effective in doing her tasks without much supervision. Most importantly, I do not need to spend time talking and can do my own stuff while she works. I felt so much peace with this new caregiver.

Of course, I did promised my ex caregiver Aunty SA that even though I have transferred to another service provider company, we can still be friends. So I messaged SA yesterday that I have finally finished all my filming and 2 weeks later, we can meet up if she wants to. Because next week is my festive season, I do not want her to visit and she start to cry while she talk about her divorce proceeding. Sorry but it will be inauspicious in my culture to start a new year with such strong ill feelings brought into the home, so I will only arrange to meet her another week later.

Of course my mentally ill Hubby didn't want her to visit and bring back all the negative vibes into our home. Well, I told him I plan the date on the day he's out for his medical appointment. So he doesn't need to see her in a grumpy mood. Because to me, I will honor my word to meet her (at least once). But it won't be so often as I will also let her knows my schedule is really full these days. She has done a lot for us for the one year service she provided, so this is the least I can do for her one last time.

And mainly, I'm going to only do my mental health counseling via online from this year onwards. I'm going to separate my home life and work life apart. With the trouble going on in the world these days, it is wiser to keep my home as my safe space if I can. I won't want the scenario of 'Patch Adams' or 'The Sixth Sense' movies to happen, don't we? I have also reminded myself that I may be good in inspiring and motivating others, but I am not The Savior.

People still need to have a relationship with The Lord themselves if they want real changes in their lives. I am only a vessel to share and be a friend, not a 24/7 stand by SOS operator. Because some people only want to whine all the time and do nothing to really make changes at all. Then no point to be their 'enabler' to hear all the complaining and no actions taken to improve themselves.

Yes, I am changing... I'm no longer my old self that is often taken for granted as I tried to please everyone around me. With my terminally ill diagnosis, I am now only learning to practice more self-care... taking my time to really learn what my own needs are. As I slow down my pace this year, I find it is so much calmer and I can focus on the more important tasks.

With AI changing the whole world, job security and many social economical issues are at hands. Inflation is rising, and even the only 2 sponsors I had have either recently stop the sponsorship (monthly mobility transportation to church) or giving me 6 more months before the withdrawal (cash vouchers)... I have to work on other means of income too.

Plus my local Government just announced yesterday a 20% tax on tobacco, I know my die hard smoker Hubby won't cut his 2 packs a day habit. He always say smoking helped to calm his mental health mood swings. And if I don't him smoke, I know I will have to handle his outbursts and other possible related issues. In this day, a pack can cost up to $20 so 2 packs is about $40+ which can buy a few days worth of groceries. But I also know I cannot change him. I only asked him to be considerate and once his late Dad's asset is sold, then he can freely spent his small sum of inheritance. But now, please try to co-operate and control the smoking as we really need to tighten our expenses till the money comes in.

Everyone is also busy finding ways to survive. So honestly, I also do not have time to listen to Aunty SA's marital issues. At least for her, once the divorce proceeding is over. She will have money to prepare for the rest of her life, maybe buying a smaller home and making new friends to start her life again. She still have adult children with grandkids who supported her since it was her husband who committed adultery. The biggest issue is having to let go and accepting the betrayal. People changed and life has to go on.

As for me, I don't blame my Hubby for his smoking vice as he's already addicted since teenager years. And I can only try my best to manage this household while I can. Beside this main issue, my Hubby is still quite a lovable person and he shown me his care through acts of service (like covering me up with blankets while I sleep as I tend to kick the blankets). We all have our own habits that might not be what our partners like, but this is also part and parcel of marriage, to accept one another's little vice/s.)

So now, as I am learning and growing through the tougher days ahead... I only hope we all can survive through another year of ever increasing inflations.