Catch up with my previous caregiver

At first I planned to meet my previous Caregiver Aunty SA next week. Then I saw the local announcement that her religion would start their fasting month on this coming 19th. Ohhh, I have been so busy that I overlooked that. So I contacted her if she like to meet earlier so we can eat and chat at the same time. Because from 17th is Chinese New Year for my Hubby's race and it will be hard to meet as Chinese will be busy with CNY visitations to relatives houses.

So she came yesterday on 15th morning and stayed over 4-5 hours. As expected, she immediately poured all her grievances about her husband the moment we were both alone. She recalled every single detail after he finally got her lawyer's court letter to divorce a month ago. Honestly, I have to keep asking my Lord for grace as she used a lot of anger vulgarities when talking about her husband and the 2nd wife he took. I understood her pains of being betrayed as I was reminded of my last ex-lover of 5 years who left me so wounded in my spirit that it took about 2-3 years of therapies to get myself out of the deep depression when I almost became suicidal.

I'm glad that Aunty SA also went for counseling therapies and even seeing a psychiatrist for her sleep disorder in the months I didn't see her as she was healing from her wrist injuries after a bad fall. And as she is now coming to terms with the choice to let go and end this marriage, I can see the fighter in her is rising up once again... to fight for her rights for her share of the home which she was the main provider. But of course, she would have to walk this difficult journey as her culture also put down women who asked for divorces. Even her male grandchildren started to treat her disrespectfully and sort of blamed her for not allowing their Muslim men to take on more wives as stated in the religion.

Seeing her in this situation, I was too, reminded that in my religion... I was also taught not to divorce and if I ever divorce, I am not allowed to get married again until my ex-husband has passed away. With this deeply rooted belief, I didn't divorce when it was really tough to be the sole provider to a mentally ill not able to hold a job hubby. But I was having other wrong relationships too as I was trying to escape an emotionally unavailable partner. It was only when I had a work accident that left me permanently unfit to work that my Hubby slowly begun to pay attention to me. And when he had a stroke 4 years ago, we learn to finally took care of each other together that we grow closer now.

Actually I can see Aunty SA's strengths as a capable woman who used to be very disciplined as she used to be working in the prison, police and eventually army. But not all men like to be controlled by strong partners. She brought up her children well but now as her grandchildren are growing up, she told me the older teenagers begun to not follow her instructions. As such, she do not think she want to stay at her adult children's home even when they offer to take her in after the divorce.

I can see her dilemma. She was feeling lost that she not only lost the love of her life, but those grandkids she cared and watched them grow up from babies are also resisting her. I have to gently remind her the generation of this day are not the same as before. They are not used to being disciplined as their own middle aged parents are either over indulging or too tired to discipline due to work commitments or both. As a result, youngsters will do cold wars, throw tempers and even threaten to hurt themselves to get out of discipline. This era, tough love is hard to use on the young ones. No more 'I told you to do it and you must follow era'... Now it's a lot of reasoning and explaining for the young ones to be willing to listen or even obey.

Same for her Husband who is getting older and wanted a more gentle submissive woman. As we get older, we also have fixed mindsets and it's hard to change. That's why a lot of men preferred getting a much younger woman who will obey them and stroke their egos. After all, the 2nd wife is same as my age... which is about his own eldest daughter's age too! And this 2nd wife who is a foreigner is smart too. She has married 4 times before, all to older men who have passed away. That's how she built up her current wealth. Fyi, Aunty SA's husband has cancer and now it is in remission after few rounds of chemo last year.

And this is why Aunty SA finally decided to divorce after seeing her husband involved with this younger woman for the past few years. If Aunty SA don't divorce and her husband suddenly die, that scheming younger woman can also claim their inheritance. As Aunty SA share about how she gotten claim and how she has keep every cent recorded since they were married for the past 40+ish years, I was in awe of her book-keeping skills yet also asking myself, does all marriages need to keep such a detailed record so in the event a marriage failed, everything can be used for evidence?

That scared me too. Because I am not that intelligent to do such detailed recordings. I always think what I have I would share with my husband as he can't even provide for himself due to his mental condition. Many time I would put my Husband's basis needs & wants before me coz I grow up as a 'parentified child' who took on adult role before my age, always to provide for family first and never think of being calculative.

I may not be a good steward of my finances but to plot against my partner seems that there's no trust at all. Then why get married? Just my personal thoughts... maybe because I was spared of all these 'plotting' as my mentally ill husband do not have the mental capacity to plot. But maybe the world out there, couples have to do this preparation in case the other normal party get into affair and wanted a divorce.

Anyway, I felt chills when I senses her deep bitterness and anger against her husband are causing her to go on the full attack to get back her share and at him. And I am thankful I made the decision to change the caregiver company while she was away for 3 month's medical leave, so now I can start afresh with new caregiver with no emotional baggage. I won't feel peace in my home if Aunty SA comes over with so much emotional turmoil thrice a week for 3-5 hours to my place. As for my new caregiver, I also only have the service for once a week only 2 hours each so I am freed up to have more personal time for my own rest and privacy.

Nevertheless, at least I kept to my promise to meet Aunty SA for a catch up and also to see that her wrist injuries are better. She also started back to work again but there's not much assignments that is nearby her. Not worth to drive to other locations to work when the pay is low for these part time care giving. She told me she would pick up a taxi license at her own sibling's advice so she might be able to do privately hired rides in future too.

I told her that due to her age, if possible... go and study for the Care giving Diploma, where she might be able to work as middle management in seniors day care, etc. Since she is so good in her admin works, she should consider that which is less strenuous for her age. How is she going to carry big luggages for tourists or driving long hours when I have seen her driving was a little chaotic at times. There's been a rising rate of elderly driving accidents in SG as we are an aging community. It can be dangerous for her.

I have done my best to give her a listening ear for almost 5 hours straight. And then we took photos together and she left to meet her other sibling for tea time. I felt it was the right time to meet her as I ended the Chinese Lunar Snake year getting the bad vibes out once and for all. I also told her due to my busy weekday schedule, it might be a bit hard to meet up. She said can meet on weekends which I also share that Sat I'm out for church service and on Sundays, I usually use it to catch up on my associate degree reading and assignments. So happened this coming week is festive season so I have no homework to hand in today (Monday). But I am inviting her to my 2026 graduation once I finished this course. She had missed my previous diploma graduation.

After sending her off, I finally have time to rest a bit and have a meeting with my tenants. Because 16th is CNY eve and the traditional reunion dinner is an annual practice. But I have dialysis too and no time to prepare any dinner. My engineer said they would prepare this time and on 17th first day of CNY, I will be home to prepare steamboat with them. So much to arrange... thus this week is still a fully packed busy week too for me till weekend as I also have a hospital follow up due to a belly button hernia issue.

But I'm still thankful I gave her some directions to look at and be a friend to her when she told me everyone around her are also shunning her. I have to gently remind her that was what happened to me before as I couldn't get out of my own rumination after my ex-lover betrayal. I lost all my friends as I only keep complaining and repeating negative past events, mistakes, or distressing feelings, often feeling like a "broken record". All people have their own issues to settle, and don't make the mistake of using meeting up with friends to dump all our own emotional baggages onto them. No one will want to meet us like that. If we need to talk about our feelings, it's better to seek professional help too.

Then I assured her, I have come to term with my ex-lover. Now even when I saw his latest update, I don't feel anything towards him anymore. The most important part is still telling oneself to let go... then we can be free from all that negativeness... it sure take time... but letting go freed us from wounding ourselves further too.