(Inspired by "Another Brick in the Wall" )
?"We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.” ~ K.V.
There was a time, earlier on, when everything felt more immediate, more fragile. A time when dating seemed to ask something very specific of me. Not improvement exactly, but refinement. Not connection, but presentation.
Part of that, I think, was how unfamiliar it all felt to begin with. I had spent so many years attached to one person, that stepping back into dating didn’t feel like returning to something known. It felt like stepping into something entirely new, where the rules had shifted while I wasn’t looking.
And online dating, especially, made that disconnect impossible to ignore. It felt like a quiet kind of construction site. Profiles built piece by piece, each detail placed with care, each sentence another brick.
Pink Floyd understood the exhaustion of that theater. When the spotlight hits and the opening chords of "The Show Must Go On" kick in, the lyrics cut right to the marrow:
“There must be some mistake / I didn't mean to let them take away my soul.”
But, the audience is waiting, and so you step into the light.
And you learn to shape yourself in small, careful ways. You soften certain edges. You emphasize what lands well...possibly holding back what feels too heavy...too real...too much.
There is an unspoken rhythm to it:
Be interesting, but not intimidating.
Confident, but never arrogant.
Available, but not desperate.
Mysterious, but not distant
It is a delicate architectural feat. You construct a persona inviting enough to prompt a swipe, yet thick enough to ensure your history, your grief, and your real heart remain untouched behind the brickwork.
You offer a beautifully rendered facsimile of yourself to keep the crowds happy at the edge of the stage, while the genuine article stays safely in the wings.
Eventually, you realize a terrifying truth: you are no longer relating to another human being. You are managing a personal brand. You are checking metrics, and keeping your customer satisfaction rating high, brick by curated brick.
"Where has the feeling gone?"
The tragedy of modern dating actually isn't rejection. It is receiving enthusiastic approval for a version of yourself that doesn't actually exist.
Because authenticity risks absence.
Performance guarantees response.
The "Cool Girl" is a brilliant, exhausting illusion: a woman who is endlessly appealing, entirely uncomplicated, and completely devoid of inconvenient human needs. She is a shape-shifter, engineered to perfection.
Stepping into this digital masquerade after my world had been leveled by profound loss was a surreal exercise. The old rules of slow, organic connection were gone, replaced by a fast-paced open meat market. It felt like stepping onto another planet. Between the carefully curated profiles and the endless advice on how to pitch myself to the opposite sex, the learning curve was steep. But the initial vertigo did pass, and I eventually found my groove.
The modern dating performance may have handled the introduction, but I think the real test for me has been and always will be, finding someone who sees past the choreography. Someone willing to look behind the curtain and stay for the quiet moments when the show is over.
M.
8
9 comments
Rush's song "Limelight" seems to cover our online experience most appropriately for me. While we have a choice to how and if we participate that the croud is fickel and it demands a performance.
What i have always enjoyed about you,4Play, is that you maintained yourself, choosing the song you desired to sing, the way you wanted to sing it.
You are quite incredible in many ways! I appreciate any time i get to have with you.
Thank you so much for the kind words.
I'm not sure how I missed your reply, apologies.
And, I hear you about the crowd being fickle and demanding a performance. For me, those walls are about protecting the part of me that gets to choose.
I always enjoy reading your posts. It is the challenge of the internet to not lose ourselves because of the anonymity and the facade that comes with that. It has been my experience that the "truth will out" even on sites like this. In the end it is easier to just try and be yourself and, importantly, not be afraid to walk away if it doesn't seem right. Easy to say, harder to do.
You've cut right to the heart of my post.
Hugs Season!
I'm glad I'm not playing the dating game. Things seemed so much easier back in the day!
I suspect every generation says that, but I do think there was something different about having fewer options and more opportunity for genuine presence.
Then again, maybe dating has always been complicated. We've just become far more efficient at documenting the complications.
I never worried much about sharing a polished version of myself. I figure she'll find out soon enough. And I'm OK with that. I prefer to see her splinters as well.
Interesting set of rhythms...
Our past often frames our future. We all have to be comfortable in our own skin. Or we decide to shed it and try on a new one.🤗
I like that...I'd rather see his splinters as well. Weathered wood always tells a far better story than a sleek veneer.
It is refreshing that you have never felt the need to edit yourself. It is a strange performance out here, isn't it? People exhaust themselves airbrushing rough edges for a perfect profile, acting as personal publicists to mimic high-fashion perfection, when it is usually the flaws that make a person believable.
If we are lucky, we eventually find someone who isn't shopping for a flawless campaign. They are just looking for an unedited original.
@4playlist_Sugswt
I'm not a good spokesperson or model for these online sites.
Between one and thirty seconds, that's how long it takes for an impression to be made in the oxygen world. That's MY playground. When she smiles, then laughs... the game begins. And then it's like tennis — that ball has to stay in the court.
It's relatively fast-paced. But every game doesn't have to end with a "love" score.💕
@Paulxx001
I think that's precisely what online dating struggles to measure. Presence. A profile can tell me what someone likes, but it can't tell me what happens in the half-second before they smile, or whether silence feels awkward...or comfortable.
Your tennis analogy made me smile. The best conversations have a rally to them. Not a contest, just enough give-and-take to keep both people reaching for the next shot.
And no, not every match has to end in "love". Sometimes it's enough to leave the court thinking, "I'd play another set with you." That seems a far better metric than whether someone perfectly curated their opening serve.
When it comes to dating apps, everyone seems to be disappointed.
Including here.
I agree that it becomes tiring to maintain some type of "branding" that one puts out there.
I haven't used any other dating app than this one.
I have left and come back, made my profile, erased eveything and remade my profile again, a few times. It really is tiring.
I've had some success, but it's very few and far between.
I will let my Gold status run out, but I don't believe I will renew.
The only real joy of this site has been the blogs. It's the only reason I come back.
I think that's exactly what wears people down. It isn't necessarily the rejection, it's the constant maintenance. Editing, rewriting, second-guessing...wondering if one more adjustment will somehow make the right person appear.
I've noticed the blogs have become the real community here, too. They're one of the few places where people stop selling themselves long enough to actually reveal themselves. It's a refreshing and welcomed change from the dating side.
Thank you for the comment!
MUST THE SHOW GO ON?
It didn’t happen all at once.
Just a brief pause mid-sentence.
I didn’t adjust.
I didn’t soften the edge.
I didn't translate it into something easier to take.
It wasn't intentional,
just subtle withdraw.
It wasn't courage,
rather pure fatigue
For a second, something passed through completely unmanaged.
Unrefined.
Raw.
Intact.
It didn’t perform.
We try so hard to paint over the cracks, to spruce up the history with a flawless new coat. But the original structure doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful. The character is in what remains standing.
"Be yourself; everyone else is already taken." ~ O.W.
'It wasn't courage, rather pure fatigue' is relatable and beautifully written.
Sharp pic as well.🤗
Because they caught my eyes and ears with a tight live version. I guess concerts could be a place to meet someone. At least for the band members... lol
@Paulxx001
Thank you, Paul. That line kind of surprised me as I was writing it. I kept reaching for the word "courage," but it never felt honest.
I listened to "Words Are Worthless." Appropriate choice. Funny how a song can end up saying what a conversation was circling around all along.
As for concerts...I think they're one of the few places left where people are collectively present instead of curating themselves through a screen. Whether that translates into meeting someone? Who knows. But it certainly beats judging compatibility from a handful of photos and a carefully edited bio. Although, as you said, the band members probably have a statistical advantage.
