Yesterday morning when I woke, my house seemed so empty and so still. She never made a lot of noise anyway, but the change was deafening. Nothing.
Took her to be cremated. They let me sit with her for a bit. I held her little cold tight body to me and kissed the top of her head, trying to accept the fact I would never ever hold her again.
I will get her back on Friday and I will have her forever. Not the way I want but I will sit her on my nightstand so I can talk to her, see her and always love her.
Last night, I had a breakdown, thinking of her little body by herself in a cold storage. I know she's not 'there' but she never spent the night away from home unless i was with her. that just ravaged me thinking of her being alone.
today, when i woke up, the silence still hurt. i had a little moment before i started my day. gathered up all her blankets to wash and donate. i was ok with this. i kept one little blanket she loved. i slept with it last night. it still smelled of her. it was a comfort even though i barely slept.
but today, as i am now methodically rearranging and cleaning, i came face to face with her toy basket and lost it. i had to call my kids to hear their voices and they both tried to comfort me. my son is going to take her Star Wars toys. may daugther is going to get a little bit of her to keep. Im going to keep her Lambie and one other toy that Benji, my next door neighbor's yellow lab gave to her. I can snuggle that as well.
I listed her stroller that i had bought for her. we used it a few times but its in excellent condition. i liked to use it because she had only three legs. I hope someone will buy it. I need it gone so i won't open up the closet door and see it once im healed. i don't think i will be able to handle that.
I have a playlist that i created and called In the Feels years ago. Ive had it playing with my air pods on. As much as it breaks my heart to hear some of the tunes, music is my medicine and it will help me through.
Im not ok. Im so broken i can't even imagine being whole again. I know i will but right now it just seems like its so far away. the lump in my heart and soul is so big and immeasurable.
she was my bestest friend. ever. i know i will forever morn her. her little presence was a gift. even until the end, i couldnt wait to get home and hold and love her. i did that from the day she showed up in my life.
I love you x-infinity my little 5 pounds of love. I hope you will be waiting for me when its my time. and we will be free of only 3 legs and heartbreak. we will love on each other like you never left. I know this.
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15 comments
i am so sorry... i know exactly what you feel...i lost my best friend 8 months ago..i am 57 y/o man.. i should be hard as a rock...but when i read your blog.. i was crying..stay strong..
Sorry for your loss, you gave her a good, loving home. Allow yourself to grieve for a little while, and then go find another best friend and give that dog a warm loving home also. She would want you to do that.
So sorry for your loss
I can empathize, having lost 2 of my beloved raccoons in the last year. It hurts so much when we lose one who has given us unconditional love for such a short while. Cherish the moments you had with Sophie, and remember she is waiting for you on the other side of the rainbow bridge.
Totally understand ow you feel. The saddest part of owning a dog or cat is that you know, under most circumstances, you are going to outlive them. I feel your pain and can, truly, identify with it. I can't say anything that will help, except (maybe) remind you that time does heal all scars.
Sophie had a wonderful owner. Losing a pet is just as heartbreaking as losing a loved one. Take care.
My deepest condolences. You can ever replace a loved dog, but you CAN love another again. You will know when it’s time, but beware…. Sometimes the Fates intervene, and YOU will be chosen by some dog that wants and needs you. I look forward to this day.
I lost Scuppers, my black lab girl, almost three years ago. I miss her like it was yesterday. She sits in her special spot in the salon of the boat, along with her paw print, picture, collar and a few other shrines. I can't imagine getting another dog, because I still don't think I can go through this pain again. She was perfect. We could look at each other and know what the other was thinking. She was amazing.
It's never easy. In 2023 I lost a dog I had for 18 years and the silence was as you say deafening. After about 10 days I was on Petfinder and within 3 weeks I have my new best friend. There's no proscribed period for mourning or healing it takes everyone time in their own way. I love my current dog and I treasure the memories of all my past dogs. Hugs to you and I hope you feel better.
My dogs old I'm worried about losing him.