a smidge disappointed

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The backstory.

I am a 12 year breast cancer survivor. I was always on the small side when it came to my boobs. When the cancer happened I was very happy that my breast surgeon was able to make me a little bigger but natural. What happened over the years is this.

I had a reconstruction fail when they went in to put the implants in. My breast oncologist, who was an idiot told my plastic surgeon that I might have to have radiation. By the way that had never come up in any conversation that I had with her. My breast cancer was stage two a. It had traveled out of one of my milk, ducts and landed very deep in the back of my breast. It was actually a good thing that I had a mammogram that year because the teeny tiny mass which was no bigger than the end of your baby nail. It was never felt, and who knows if I had skipped my mammogram that year how big it would've become for me to have actually touched it. I knew straight away when I was told I had breast cancer that I wanted to have both of my breasts removed and reconstructed, which was my right and my insurance took care of it. My idiot breast oncologist told me that she did not like taking normal breast flesh, which I turned around to her and said that is not your choice my choices are to try to take my chances of having breast cancer again down as far as possible.

I was 'blessed' to have had the easiest curable breast cancer there is. I had ductal carcinoma, which most women get. It could have been an easy lumpectomy, but I chose to take everything off as much as possible. I readily admit that I am too high strung of a woman to live mammogram to mammogram. In earlier blogs, I've always written that I don't feel physical attributes make a person. my breasts, my body, my face do not define me. But since I was able to have a reconstruction, I was gonna go for the full enchilada so to speak.

In speaking with my plastic surgeon we came up with a plan. If you do not know what a mastectomy entails they go in and they literally scoop out your flesh check your tumor margins to make sure that they're easily readable. (mine or not.) and they put in spacers to be filled with solution and tell your ready to have implants. So my plastic surgeon went with what the idiot oncologist said was to happen which meant they put in too small of spacers for reconstruction. Quite literally I was smaller than I was when I went in before it all happened. I was not in alignment and I had bumps and grooves in flatness all over that should not have happened.

So I was considered a reconstruction fail, which meant that it had to be fixed and my insurance would pay for it. I had to wait three months after I finished chemo to make sure I would heal from another surgery. My plastic surgeon gave me bigger implants to straightened out some of the problems from the first reconstruction. Since I wasn't aligned correctly, we had hoped that the bigger implants would bring things into an alignment, I wouldn't have the situation I was having with a bubble, and we also did liposuction to my belly to put fat on the top to make them feel and look more natural

This was 12 years ago, however, surgeris will start to fail again. It was discovered that my implants I had were improperly placed under the pectoral muscle than over the pectoral muscle, which is how they do the surgery now. It was also discovered that things had started to slip and slide inside. And my lady bits were starting to point downward. My breasts will always be high and tight however, the skin has started to do things.

So my doctor and I discussed what was going to happen. He was going to remove the old implants which had expired two years ago and he was going to put new implants over the pectoral muscle not under. He was also going to have to take a look inside to check for where he could nip and tuck.

I went to see my doctor yesterday. And by the way, he was my original surgeon who I searched high and low to find. What happened to me wasn't his fault. It was the way they did things and he knew my body even though it had been 12 years. I went for a follow up after the surgery, which was a week ago. I was desperately hoping that they would take these confounding drains out. I know that it's very important that they stay in so that I do not get hematomas and all the liquid will come out so that eventually the implants will form their own encapsulation in my breast. But I was not so lucky as they still have to stay in. Since this is my third set of drains in my life, I know how they act. While your incisions start to heal, you have to keep the drains high so that they don't pull around where they're connected in your body, which will hurt and itch.

So I was disappointed in discovering I'm going to have to wear them for another week. But I was able to get rid of the hospitals binder and bring my own mastectomy sports braw which is way more comfortable. And it zips up the front and compresses in my breasts so that what's left inside will eventually come out.

He surprised me with all the details what happened. Apparently my implants were too big. They had started to descend outward. Think of an ice cream cone. there is certain material that is in abreast when it's been reconstructed that had been stretched as well. The implants were at an 800 but he took them down to a 600. I don't remember the exact proportions but I'm less than 20% than I was. But he was able to mold them and fill them given me a different shape which he swears that I will be much happier with the way my breasts will look as they will appear very normal and full, not like cones. At this point, I'm OK with that if he got rid of the problems that were causing me issues which was the pectoral muscle being stretched and the bubbles.

He also told me that when he did a certain tacking method where the bubble was on my left breast, which was where the cancer was and that it immediately took the bubble problem out, and I have a full firm round lady like breast now. my nipples are still pointing downwards a bit, and he said to me that would be another operation, which I turned around and said they're fine. I don't care. So while most women's actual breasts will sag my nipples are just pointing a little downwards. Not a big deal as far as I'm concerned.

I just did not want to be in the random pain that I have been in for the last three years. The implants are in proportion to my body now and I shouldn't have any pain that dealt with my pectoral muscle ever again. It took me three years to get to this point and of course it's going to take three months for everything to settle and not be angry. I slept 12 hours last night when I got rid of the hospital garment and was able to put on my own garment. My neck, my shoulders my incisions all feel way better than they did. I am in no way healed. I'm still bleeding internally. I have blood still oozing out of my incisions. All of this is normal. But the muscles have been stretched for a long time and those are now in place to where they should be and they will heal as well.

I came back home from my child's house earlier than expected. I now have stairs to contend with, but it's OK. I'm in a safe place.

All I have to do now is to heal and journey on

Oh, and watch the pitt tonight I can't wait.