february: still recovering and frozen

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I'm not as young as I used to be. It's a bitter pill to swallow sometimes. In this for instance it's because I'm taking longer to heal then I want to.

When I went through this 12 years ago the initial operation didn't feel as this one does.. I mean, I felt like I recovered a little bit faster, but then I had to turn around and do chemo treatments.

This time around everything hurts. Because they moved the implants over the muscle I feel like all of my muscles have been pulled which they have. My upper body feels like a shit show right now because I ache in my upper arms under my armpits going towards my back. I don't know if it's necessarily from the operation or is it because I want to do things and I'm pushing myself. I'm really not supposed to be doing much lifting and carrying and a lot of motion. But I can't sit still either. Last week I went out sourcing a couple days locally for my business and I pushed carts and I went through clothing on racks. That was probably a mistake. I haven't felt much like doing anything. I'm trying to just be still, but for me sometimes that is not easy. My breast implants are a bit smaller than they were and I'm OK with that however, I don't like what I see in the mirror. And I definitely don't like the feel of them in my hands as I can feel every bump dimple the sailing in these. They don't feel normal to me anymore. I really feel the implants now under my hand and I Shudder to think of what a potential lover will react.

And this fucking frozen tundra that is my state right now is just annoying. Thank goodness my daughter and her boyfriend came over and dug my car out so that I could get into it and also my steps and partial sidewalk. But we forgot to get the trashcan out to take to the curb and it is now frozen solid in place. It is supposed to go up to 40° today and I'm hoping to at least to take the shovel and break it out but then again I'm doing something I'm really not supposed to do. But when you live alone, you have no partner your children live 45 minutes away from you. You gotta do what you gotta do.

So not only am I uncomfortable and frozen, I'm also in a state of isolation. I unfortunately started watching some of those ReelShort dramas that have been featured on Facebook. I actually enjoy them because they are corny, but watching some of the love scenes have really plucked a nerve. When you've been told by someone in your life that you're a good kisser and you know how much you've given as a lover and then isolated it out it doesn't feel good. And you search your brain and your mind to try to figure out the what and the why. You've worked hard to establish a friendship and a partnership and then it just goes away. You give your best effort, physically mentally and spiritually. You make love. You give your sex your touch touches your kisses. You lovingly make love to the penis. You crave giving your touches. You think about how that person smells and tastes you look at the pictures you've taken together and remember.

You know you gave just about everything you have. And now it just feels like a distant memory. This is why I don't intentionally try to make any meeting with anyone.

I'm frozen physically mentally spiritually. I have no warmth except for a few good memories. And I agreed to pursue whatever it was knowing the parameters of what it's going to be.

Right now, just looking forward to the longer days of light, warmth reappearing in the weather, and getting my strength back in my upper body.