I had a call from the husband at 3am in the morning and haven't slept a wink the whole night. One of his relatives passed away a few days ago and since he's not here and I am, he's asked me to go to the wake on his behalf so I've got that to do today. Is it selfish to admit that I'm not exactly crazy about attending the wake? I've only met this relative of his twice before and a long time ago, but that's not it. I dread meeting up with the rest of his family. I'm only really on good terms with one of his cousins, and aside from her, his relatives and I don't really....get on. They've made it clear they got on a lot better with his ex wife, which seems fair. They were married longer and I'm fairly certain she makes more effort, cos I really don't. LOL Either way, I've got that to do today. I've got to pick something appropriate to wear too.
The husband and I spoke for awhile, and that was the first time he asked where I was staying while I'm here. I mean, for fuck's sake. LOL. I've been here now for...3 weeks. And this was the first time he checked on where I was putting up. He asked if i was staying at home (we have rented the place out to a friend of mine but we kept the master bedroom so technically, I could have stayed there but...we've also jammed everything we own into that room so...wou;dn't have been ideal. Also, I really didn't want to seem like i'm invading my friend's space). When I told him i wasn't staying at home, and was staying at a friend's place, he paused for a few seconds and then moved on. I would have told him about Rene but he didn't ask anymore so I kinda left it too. Ah well...
Then the strangest fucking thoughts crept into my head and kept me awake.
I started getting very insecure, mainly about a physical part of my body. As I'm typing this out, it really seems so fucking stupid but....sigh. Ok, here goes. My thoughts went to my knees and ankles and then got really insecure about how I thought I had fat knees and ankles. LOL. And that kept me up the whole, fucking, night. Can't fucking believe I lost sleep cos of that.
In my head, I'm in missionary position, but Rene's not leaning into me, but standing straight up, usually he's standing while I'm on the edge of the bed. I see his hands on my thighs, and then I see my fat knees. Then my eyes travel to my ankles. And it's not like I'm imagining it. I've literally seen that a LOT in the last two plus weeks and I'm just replaying it out in my head. Like watching a memory, but only this time, I'm noticing my knees and ankles. 
. Even then, i don't have fat knees or ankles. Even IF i do, I really don't care. LOL. It really doesn't bother me. I don't know why it did this morning. This is soo fucking irritating
Rene's scheduled back tomorrow, and since he left on Thursday, we haven't spoken or texted, which I kinda hate to admit, is quite refreshing. LOL.
Anyhow. I've got the wake to go to so I'm gonna get ready. Then I'm meeting a friend for lunch, then I'm braving the crowds to see if I can find something nice to wear for the Christmas party Rene and I are going to, and something nice for when I travel to meet the husband 
What's one thing you've been insecure about that doesn't make much sense after your head has cleared up?
This should be interesting 
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I hope the wake isn't as bad as you think it'll be.
It WAS bad. I was incredibly awkward, rambled on too much (cos I was uncomfortable), saw a few people I really, really did not want to see (and that feeling was mutual). Nevermind. It's done. I ended up staying about 40mins cos I was waiting to speak to the wife of the deceased, to offer my condolences personally, then ran out after. The husband owes me big for this, and he has been made aware.