I might have mentioned before that I’m in a FB group for solo women travelers over the age of 50. One of the things that’s been really striking to me are the back stories of HOW these women became solo travelers.
Here’s a recent post:
“Like so many of you my husband of 25 years left literally overnight after connecting with his high school girlfriend at 40 yr reunion. In the middle of trying to sell our forever home by myself (we’d just bought 8 months ago) I said fuck it, booked a last minute 17 day trip alone with Overseas Adventure Travel on the Amalfi Coast. This trip saved my sanity and possibly my life. Met some nice people, but largely discovered I’m good alone!”
And here are some of the responses to the post:
“Similar story. 7 years dating and 35 years of marriage.. 42 years together and he suddenly decides he wants out for a younger woman. Everything I had ever worked for or believed in ended in a moment. Took me a long time to wrap my head around what had happened but eventually landed on my feet and now living my best life doing things that I always kept on the back burner…”
“Had to look to make sure I didn’t write this in some kind of a time warp black out!
Same thing happened to me!!! What’s up with the 40 year high school reunions??
Such a weird thing.
Keep making yourself happy. It’s been 5 years for me and he just died in a car accident. He hated me asking him to slow down and said it was insulting because it meant I didn’t trust his driving!! Guess that high school crush saved my life. Btw I’m happier than ever. Travel on!!”
“Almost an identical story to mine - 25 years together, I was selling the house, and out of the blue, our marriage was over with a 30 second announcement, no reasons given, no further discussions. It turned out to also be an old college friend he met at a party. “
“Good for you!! We have the same story-28 years of marriage, he connects with his HS girlfriend from 40 years ago. I found out on Christmas Day 2015, when I opened the wrong Christmas gift.
I wish I had taken a solo trip when the divorce was done-it took a huge toll on me physically, mentally, emotionally. I spiraled into depression. Travel would have saved me so much suffering, I think.
I’m good now, and travel on short trips when I can.
Take care of you!”
“What is it with the high school —crush literally story of my life… we were married 25 years and it fell apart because of the high school girlfriend. All that aside, you did it! You showed yourself that you can do things alone, both hard and fun. Thank you for sharing and thank you for showing me that I’m not alone.”
I could go on, but you get the picture.
Now obviously this is a skewed sample because it’s a group for women. Thus the title of my post. If I were to look at a men’s FB group, would there be hundreds of stories of husbands losing their wives overnight because they reconnected with a high school boyfriend from 40 years ago? I mean, perhaps in some of the situations above the “other woman” was single, but I assume in others, the overnight romance also resulted in a husband being left by the old HS girlfriend.
So tell me male readers - do you have a story of a wife who left you overnight? Or know a friend who it happened to? Was it for another man?
OR - was it as this other commenter said:
“Men leave their wives for another woman while women leave their husbands to become who they really are. Many men tend to stifle their wives.”
Someone from this site who I recently met, spent half of our coffee meetup talking about his parents' failing marriage - his mom is fed up with his dad because he’s boring and doesn’t want to do anything, and is too stingy to let her do things like travel on her own.
Full disclosure - my own situation was a 14 year relationship. It wasn’t a high school girlfriend, but rather a much younger woman. It was sudden, but in retrospect it shouldn’t have been unexpected; the signs were there for quite a while. I blame him for the way he handled it, which was terrible, but I don’t blame him for leaving because our relationship and communication weren’t good.
And to bring it full circle, I had to do 90% of the planning for every trip that we took together!
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36 comments
My other comment aside, I do have a relevant story for those curious about the length of the cheating relationship.
One guy I met here, we lived together for seven years. He left me for another woman he met here. They were together for less than a year before she stabbed him in a fight. The relationship ended after that.
I would say getting stabbed by your SO is a good reason to leave.
@justskin1 She was a wild one, for sure.
Yikes. I'm glad he survived.
I thought the story in the post of the woman's ex who died in a car accident, and her remark about "He never did like me telling him to slow down" was...I don't know. Darkly funny, but also kind of disturbing.
oh my....see?? thats what i meant....the grass always looks greener until they get up close and see that is in need of the same or more attentions n waterings and such. He couldnt see she was nuts beforehand..lol
I would think so!! 😆
@smartasswoman I’ll admit to laughing about his stabbing. Dude left me right after major shoulder surgery, of course I was pissed.
@jajo696 Too lost in his own lust to see beyond his face.
I was the treasurer for my High School’s 50 yr anniversary event. Leading up to and the day of it, I was too busy to really even notice who was there or to enjoy it. The people I did notice, especially the men were barely recognizable…thank goodness for name tags!
A relationship that ends because of a high school reunion had to have been on shaky ground and it was an easy excuse.
I tend to agree the relationships must have been on shaky ground, but it's really striking in how many of these stories the women are framing it as a total surprise. Which leads me to wonder how common it is for one person to be unhappy and the other to think that everything's fine.
In my particular situation, I didn't think that everything was fine. I remember a few months before he left me, thinking "this isn't working and I think we need to go counseling or a therapist - or me by myself, if need be" - but at the time I had a couple of very grueling volunteer commitments so I was putting it off until those were over.
@smartasswoman Call me a skeptic. I think often there are signs either overt or subtle that problems exist which people choose to deny or ignore. It’s easier to claim breakups came as a ‘complete surprise’ than admit any responsibility.
@smartasswoman ...completely agree! I didn't think everything was fine in mine but she must've been living in a fantasy land that it was. So when I left (twice) after all the discussions, why wld she be surprised? Doh!
My ability to do things alone started when I was single and worked 2nd shift at a hospital. What do you do when you have a Tuesday off and all your friends and family work M-F? You either don't go or you go alone. I was ahead of the game after my husband died.
On the guy side - I dated a man who had been with only one woman his entire adult life, 40 years, nursed her through breast cancer. She left him for a guy she reconnected with at - you guessed it - her HS reunion.
OY! What is with these high school reunions!? I have to admit, I've never been to any of mine and it's really difficult to imagine connecting with someone in that kind of way. But then, I didn't really have a dating life in high school, I was a tall, geeky, nerd.
Howdy... I was walking; rain, sun — rain... sun — weird but nice day.
Isn't marriage based on three things; love, respect and friendship?
And, other reasons people can think of.
When love disappears and friendship whithers a "Reunion" is just a convenient place to seek someone — in the same boat.
So, you're lining up with the people saying these situations weren't truly "he left overnight", that there must have been problems that had been going on for a while (I tend to agree).
I still think it's foolish to leave a long term relationship for someone who you had a good time with for a few days. At least, without trying counseling or some other way of fixing the problems.
@smartasswoman
He had been unhappy for years and was looking for an out; an old fling — at a reunion — was the perfect fit.
As I mentioned, if sex had vanished and their tolerance for friendship was being stretched, the desire for something fresh, outweighed the practicality of sticking together.
It takes balls to leave — for either gender.
As for foolish?
I guess that would depend on how their gamble turned out.
Thankfully all of the ladies found themselves again after their men left. Bravo and Kudos!
The FB group ends up being kind of a self selection of those who able to move on... sadly, I'm sure there are others who don't rebound so well...
I believe it’s true that a lot of men stifle their wives but I also believe a lot of women stifle their husbands.
My longest monogamous relationship lasted 10years. The last two, we didn’t even live together for and were only married in name only.
I’m better suited to part time relationships mainly because of my need for independence and, frankly, selfishness.
I’ve done a lot of solo traveling even back when I was married to #1 and 19 years old. It just never bothered me to be on my own. And I certainly wasn’t going to let anyone, including my husband, stop me from doing what I wanted.
Absolutely it goes both ways, which is why I was interested in hearing the other side of it.
Somehow I doubt that you're truly selfish (at this point anyway - hey we all have our phases). But it's good that you realize your need for independence.
@smartasswoman I’m not truly so selfish that I don’t share. Hell, I’ve lived with Nick for ten years and we’re doing fine. More that I’m selfish with my time.
Hot
I don't have a story to add but I am interested in following this discussion.
I figured there would probably be some people with interesting stories to tell. 😊
This is why I love women so much.
For persevering and supporting each other? Yes. 😊
A good friend had her hubby leave when he reconnected with a high school love. Yet they say high school sweethearts romances won't last. So weird.
My marriage - I do feel stifled! My wants and needs have been ignored so he could have what he wanted. I got fed up and started demanding that I count.
The pond builder, put my name only on the contract. We never discussed it ahead of time. I bet I used 'me' and 'my pond' enough that he realized it was my dream. And he showed me the utmost respect and care.
I'm glad that you're taking steps toward making sure your wants and needs are met. ❤️
I've only been in semi long term relationships. The first for two years I wanted to get married and she didn't so we broke up. The second was for 8 years. I thought we would get married but we didn't. I had moved back to Ohio because one of my parents got sick. We tried to make things work out but after two years it was to hard so we ended up staying friends. After a few months we ended our friendship. The one thing I can say with both women is that at some point in time our communication broke down. I also believe in being honest with each other and when that breaks down I think the relationship will also break down as it did in my relationships.
The people that you had mentioned I wonder what happened. There is always two sides to a story. Do I believe that men are perfect no I don't. I actually know more people that are married then who are divorced. One of the things they all have in common is that they talk about problems when they come up. They don't hold grudges, and they are very good at communication.
I agree with Hippiechick said to a point. I do think that people do settle I refuse to settle for that very reason. I'd rather be single and happy than married and unhappy. I will admit that it's hard seeing people around you that are in a relationship and that are happy.
I have not had great luck with relationships myself - none have lasted very long aside from the one that lasted 14 years. And at some point I have to take responsibility and say that it must be because of something about me that people don't want to be around... 😬
@smartasswoman is it that or that you won't settle for anything less than what you want? If that is the case then I would agree with you that it's something about you,just as I think it's something about me. I've know you for a while and I think your a very good woman. You are honest, intelligent, you know what you want basically you have a good head on your shoulders. I am honest, caring, have a good job, and know what I want. So we both should take responsibility but it seems to me like were both very good people so what's wrong with us?
@MrRareity sure, in some cases it was because of not "settling" for someone who was less than I wanted. In other cases it was the other person who did the "ditching" so it would be dishonest for me to say that it was because of my high standards.
Yeah, I don't know. I've done some introspecting, trying to figure out if there's some aspect of me (physically or emotionally) that's unattractive. I'm sure you realize that you're just seeing the best self presented side of me here in my blog.
I got a divorce because I didn't want to grow old with the dude I've been married to for over 25 years. He wasn't happy when I said I want a divorce, but relented when I told him that I didn't want to grow old with him. I already knew that we were going to divorce eventually around 10 years into our marriage. It took a little longer than I thought it would.
It's definitely not a good sign when you look at your mate and think "I don't want to be hanging out with him when I'm 75". Best to let them go and give them a chance to find someone else...
Following to see the male perspective on this.
Beyond that, i say stay away from reunions of any kind, i mean...the middle age crazies, the blues of any long term relationship, the tempting scenario of something new , the grass over there >>>>> looking greener( from a distance )...all make for the ingredients to split from what is familiar and comfortable ( perhaps too comfy ).
Also be interesting to follow up and see how long those new relationships lasted.
I applaud you and your group for the resiliency to carry on ~
Like I said to someone else, I could actually be understanding of someone having a little fling at their reunion - but to then leave a partner of many years just because you had fun with someone for a few days seems foolish. But I guess it's as you say - the middle age crazies!
As for the duration of the new relationship - in my particular case my ex has now been with the younger woman for longer than we were together - 19 years! I guess he's 68 now and she's 46. I really believe she must have been a better fit for him. Younger and deferential lol, instead of being someone who would challenge him.
One of my male colleagues had this happen to him. Wife connected with high school friend and left after many years of marriage. And he ended up paying her alimony.
That seems wrong - although I suppose if she gave up having a career to support him and thereby wasn't viable in the job market...
Which is why the old school model of "husband works, wife doesn't work" seems misguided, seeing as a lot of marriages don't last forever.
@smartasswoman she was working also. however, he made more money than her and so he paid.
@Notaname99 basically this makes me feel like it's a bad idea to get married!!
@smartasswoman as if you needed more reason?
I'd never leave my wife for another woman. I'd leave cause the marriage is broken & can't b repaired. If (& I have cheated) she can choose to leave.
Most people don't agree with me on this, but I now feel that a single instance of cheating shouldn't necessarily be reason to throw out a long term relationship - if the cheater is interested in trying to rectify things. In the cases in this post, it seems the men got swayed by "new relationship energy" and weren't interested in trying to repair their marriage. It would be interesting to see how they feel about their new partner three or four years later.
@smartasswoman ....well, her side was more all abt me getting divorced & attention, trips, etc. Which I did, except 4 the divorce in a timely manner. Took her for to high end restraunts for her bday, paid 4 the hotels early on, local trip & a few out of state trips.....She also got pregnant at 46 "by accident" when she pretty much knew her marriage was over (her biggest complaint was he didnt fuck her enough/like yrs) But I felt she seduced me the day she told me "my husband is Asexual." Now I'm a very virle, high libido man, I was 47 at the time. I supported her emotionally thru her pregnancy & fucked her amazingly. We aren't together anymore after a 6 yr relationship. I think she just wanted maybe more than we initially agreed to? She now fucks a different coworker.
Hmmm...guess its not always black n white or that easy. I think money, personality, connection, & sex all play a role in marriages falling apart. How or why u choose to leave is usually 1 or more of those depending on the individual weather male or female.
This is sad. I was married. Never again. Humans are not wired for monogamy!! That's why I'm here.
Let's just say that a lot of humans are wired to get sexually bored with their partner after a period of time (I think Dan Savage has referenced studies that it's actually more likely to happen to women, which might explain the women who lose interest in sex - it's not that their libido is gone, it's that they're bored).
Some people can manage that in various ways and stay monogamous. Others...not so much.
Brilliant post Smarty, and although I haven't had time to read all of the comments, some of the resulting threads are really well observed too.
I think the idea that many "overnight" departures have been being considered for a long time is a good one. And as Enigma said, sometimes women stifle or control their men just as much as men do it to women. I think it is a kind of jealously, a sad human trait based on fear of being deserted - if you are emotionally, physically or financially in control you may be tempted to think you have a better chance of keeping your partner, but of course it is self-defeating and ruins relationships.
One big reason for the " Sudden High School Reunion Substitution" hasn't been mentioned as far as I can see. I think most of us, but possibly men more than women, lose sight of who we really want to be at some point in our lives. I distinctly view the me of my later twenties as a person I don't much like. It took heartbreak and a long time for me to get back to how I like to be. I think I am now far more like how I was as at 18-25, (okay hopefully having grown up a bit and with certain obvious differences. )
But when I see "Picasso" who I have known since I was 19, I am always reminded of the person I want to be. If I was in a bad frame of mind, or a difficult relationship, and "LIzzy" my teenage girlfriend about whom I have blogged may times turned up flirting with me at a reunion, I would find her very hard to resist. After all, her memory of me is the person I want to be. My memory of her would make me feel young and hopeful - hell, it is having that effect on me now, just writing this! As grown ups in a steady relationships, we know this is transitory, and that all long term relationships need work, but if things aren't looking like improving, I bet the high school fling (or the long ago ex ) looks like a very attractive get out, to women as well as to men. I know most men are uneasy around their partner's exes.
You can even excuse yourself by telling yourself that really, it was always meant to be her. I know that Lizzy and I broke up partly because we were too young to understand that we didn't need to agree on everything, or always want to do the same things. I haven't seen her for thirty years, so I have no way of knowing whether it is true, but I instinctively think that if we had met at thirty we would still be together now...... I wouldn't leave my partner for her, because building a lifetime with someone is more valuable than that, but I can see how it could happen.
All of the above said though, I have never left anyone for someone else, and I think it has only once happened to me. I think if things are bad enough that you want to move on, you really should have the courage to do it on your own, before you meet someone new. (I did have a full-on affair once, but not because I wanted to leave my partner at the time. Anyway, that's another story! ) I know a friend of a female friend who has left long term partners in order to immediately move in with another man three times. A serial monogamist as you put it. She's a reasonably pleasant person, but I can't help a certain lack of respect for the way she does that.
As always, your take on this is interesting.
Since I never had a boyfriend in high school, it's hard for me to speculate about the possible allure - but my initial thought is that I've changed a lot since then so it's unlikely that anyone I was smitten with back then, would be a good match for me now. Unless they had gone through exactly the same changes!!
I really have almost no nostalgia for my high school days. But I can understand for those that do, the temptation would be strong. It probably is sort of a self selection that the people who make an effort to go to their HS reunion, might be more likely to engage in a nostalgia-fueled affair.
@smartasswoman Yes, good point about the self selecting group. (I have never been to any reunions! If I want to be in touch with people, I stay in touch! )
And you are right that we would be unlikely to be a good match for a long ago partner, because we all change of course. But I think my point about the attraction of the high school ex isn't based on the reality of who we are now, but on the reminder of the type of person we think we were then, assuming of course that we like the memory of the person we were back then!
One of my Ex's was having an affair whilst I was looking after her kid.
No bueno. Seems like sex often makes people behave badly!
Day-um I missed my 40th reunion, but the 50th is next year. Maybe I need to plan on going!
Actually I did seek out and start communicating with my old HS crush a few years back. She was going through a bitter divorce and sooo not the sweet innocent young thing I remembered!
Husbands side to the story - Likely some version of "she let herself get old, inactive, unfit, not the least bit interested in sex any more". Monogamy for life is a silly concept. We need to be more like the French where each partner has the side gig and that enables the marriage to last.
I was waiting for someone to bring up "she must have let herself go". Most of the women telling these stories look pretty damn great in their profile pictures (but yes, I realize the breakup might have been a wakeup call for them to have a makeover/lose weight).
The French model is fine if both partners still want sex but have become mutually bored with each other. Maybe not so workable if one of the partners has simply lost their libido and not really interested in a "side gig". As they would probably feel insecure about their mate looking outside of the relationship for sex.
i believe that marriage is a contract and shud be renewable every 7 yrs. Sit ...examine and decide if you wanna re up....or not. The premise that one person can satisfy all the needs of another 4 eva.....is just ludicrous. Maybe when people were only living till 40/50....but now.....ohheck no
@jajo696 well, yes, until relatively recently, marriage was just a business partnership of sorts (husband gets sex and somebody to do housework and bear his children, wife gets some security) and love and affection hardly factored into it.
And I think we are still predisposed to make financial entanglements (like both names on a mortgage) that make it complicated to re-evaluate every seven years.
But yes! I agree that ideally a couple would re-evaluate every several years about whether things are still "working" between them. And if not, figure out whether it's something that's fixable or whether a split should happen.
Long story...both at fault...was always faithful...was still in love with her! She decided she wanted out...put on the act...marriage counseling, blah blah blah...banging a HS friend on the side!! Bad sitch!! Kids involved...
This was you it happened to, or someone you know? If you, I'm sorry.
Ideally someone would try to make it all the way through trying counseling and then announcing a breakup before moving on to a new lover! But it seems like it often doesn't play out that way.
@smartasswoman this was me! No matter what I tried was meaningless...her mind was made up!! He lived in Fla at the time and would just up and leave for 3 days, a week at a time with me scrambling how I'm gonna take care of the kids , go to work! It was rough
@smartasswoman if I may ask...what is your FB group?
@69russell2 it’s a group for women, so not sure how that information would be useful to you?
@smartasswoman my mistake...didn't know that. Thought it was just for people who had similar experiences!
@69russell2 no worries.
Y'all are some strong women that any man willing to try with you would be a very very lucky man 😉
I get the impression that most of these women have discovered they're happy being solo and aren't actively seeking a new relationship.