Just a funny little share today. Have you seen the new Calvin Klein ad with Jeremy Allen White?
I really liked Jeremy in the series Shameless. Now he's all grown up and leading the series The Bear. I've only made it through a couple of episodes because it's a little too intense for me, but maybe I'll give it another try. Anyway, just be aware that this essay in McSweeney's talks about other characters in The Bear, so if you haven't watched it you might be a bit lost.
AN OPEN LETTER TO JEREMY ALLEN WHITE REGARDING HIS RECENT CALVIN KLEIN AD
Dear Mr. White,
It is with an uneasy mixture of consternation and lust that we received, via IG, your latest thirst trap. We see that you have finally assumed the mantle of Calvin Klein Underwear Boy, and while we love this for you, we are compelled to say that you’ve done enough. You may have, in fact, done too much.
We appreciate the work that’s gone into creating your perfect six- (eight? Five-thousand?!?)-pack abs. Your shoulders look hewn from the same Carrara marble that Carmy’s ancestors used to build temples. That pelvic line is a perfect road map to [REDACTED]. But, sir, this level of hotness has scrambled our GPS, and we are frankly terrified to explore your highways and side streets, even within the cozy confines of our private fantasy life.
With your huge Bambi eyes and goldie locks that would inspire each of the Three Bears to immediately share their beds with you, you were single-handedly responsible for our midlife sexual reawakening. But your body is too hard, and ours, too soft. Respectfully, this Mama Bear would now like to go back to sleep.
A body like yours telegraphs the sacrifices made to create and maintain it. While your character in The Bear served up testaments to the art of gastronomy, it is no longer possible to imagine you eating anything but air, protein powder, seven-minute planks, and your own tears. The results are impressive, and we don’t mean to make you feel bad, but how can we look at that rippling expanse of man meat and feel anything but shame for our own patchwork quilts of cellulite, chaotic thickets of body hair, and a birthmark that bears an uncanny resemblance to Uncle Jimmy’s face? To engage with you on a sexual level would feel like a desecration, akin to visiting a fine cathedral only to take a dump on its floor.
If we’re being honest, the sight of your perfect three-quarter-size body in those iconic tighty-whiteys has the ironic effect of making us consider the erotic possibilities awarded by, say, Cousin. What a gorgeous mess that guy is! He would never make us feel bad about having visible hemorrhoids and laugh lines that get accentuated by our O-faces. We bet he smells like smoke and whiskey and maybe a little Drakkar Noir, and that’s the smell of where we belong. Ritchie would let us bum a smoke after we mash our imperfect bodies together. He’d tell us about his fucked-up childhood, maybe even shed a manly tear into our gravity-kissed bosoms while apologizing for being a massive asshole to everyone but us, his stretch-mark-adorned sex goddess.
Or better yet, what would it be like to nestle in Marcus’s strong but forgiving arms? A sweet, slightly daffy pastry chef who would present us with a perfect bite of a gourmet jelly-filled doughnut, shyly hoping for our approval, before taking us on a sexual journey that somehow begins AND ends with cuddling? Okay, so we can’t really imagine that Marcus makes love with a great deal of panache. But we would feel so cared for, so loved, drifting off to sleep on that featherbed of a man. Then afterward, he’d call his mom, who’s in a coma, and tell her he’s met two ladies who may have just inspired him to reinvent the cinnamon bun.
But you, Jeremy? You seem to have worked your whole belly button off. Yours is no longer a body that can reasonably be expected to be in conversation with another human form. It exists as a temple to its own perfection; it is complete in and of itself. You might be thinking, “It’s not fair to count me out of your imaginary sex life just because my platonically ideal body intimidates you. Why don’t you try improving your self-esteem?” And while that’s a perfectly reasonable request, we can tell you right now that it won’t happen. Instead, how about we stay in our lane, and you stay in yours? Your character can continue romancing a manic-pixie dream doctor with a single-digit BMI, and we’ll continue eating peanut butter-filled pretzels in bed without worrying that the crumbs will get stuck in your warren of abdominal creases.
Unlike your body, there are no hard feelings here. Goodbye, Jeremy, and thanks for the imaginary memories.
Sincerely,
Emily and Miriam
Sorry for the blatant steal. I usually prefer to be original, but my parody skills are not at this level! I definitely agree with the sentiment of not being able to even go into fantasyland about someone who's TOO hot.
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16 comments
I’ve always thought he was hot since Shameless but was taken aback by his recent
Perfection. I’m too selfish to consider the sacrifices made until now. But I’m sure you’re right.
I imagined him with Roger Daltrey hair when it was long and my whole body shuddered.
I wonder what his kinks are….
It looks like he grew his hair long for the movie Iron Claw, so maybe you need to check that out!
If it's fantasyland, why should being too hot be a thing? 🤨
Whitey tighties, indeed . . .
It shouldn't be a concern, but I totally get where Emily and Miriam are coming from! 😂
I'm so out of touch, I've never even heard of the series, or of Jeremy Allen White.
From what little I've read here, it would seem to be another version of Hell's Kitchen or such, so I'm curious what makes it too intense to watch?
The kitchen is portrayed as a high stress environment...crowded, fast paced. E.g. someone barging up behind you with a boiling pot saying "Behind!". And there is interpersonal tension. White's character and the new assistant he hires are the interlopers, and the kitchen staff don't want to do things their way.
It was classified as a comedy for purposes of the Emmy awards (probably to avoid competing with Succession) but I think it's much more of a drama. Not that I never watch dramas, of course!
Emily and Miriam did a palatial job crafting that imagery as a tribute to their man. I'm picturing those bears sharing a bed with him. LOL... 👍😂
Jeremy has this disarming bad boy look and, combined with his blue eyes and ripped body — easily wreaks havoc with those who secrete estratetraenol. Supposedly, women are also attracted to chefs and their fierce determination.
I like him and the roles he's played. And I've inadvertently emulated him long before that ad: my cotton Klein's fit like a second skin. 🤗
I read that he put on 40 pounds of muscle in preparation for the — true-story — wrestling movie 'Iron Claw' coming out soon. Will you be getting a ticket?
By the way (and you knew this), at 5'7" — he's way too short for you. 😲💕
I guess he can wear lifts.
Rumor has it that "Yes, chef" is now an erotic trigger. 😉
I'm usually completely unaware of current movies that are out, so thanks for the heads up about Iron Claw. You wouldn't think that would be my cup of tea, but a past FWB was really into wrestling and I actually went to one wrestling show with him. So I'm a bit curious to check it out, or at the least ask him what he thought of it.
@smartasswoman
Chefs ARE. 🔥❤❗
Wrestling? Toi? Lol... 😂😲
The movie depicts that sport in the 80's, just at the point where I realized — incredibly — that it was ALL staged. Whoda thunk, right? Lol... 😂
I used to sit there as a tike and watch the B&W TV with my grandpa every Saturday morning. He'd chain-smoke a pack of 'Export-A' and yell at the screen, urging his favourite wrestler to peel himself up off that mat. And guess what? He always did. Unbelievable, considering the punishment he'd taken the previous five minutes. I began to cheer my own favourites after a while.
Grandpa never believed it was staged, even after we insisted. He argued, "That's impossible; they really throw each other. And how do you explain all that bl--d?"
We never had a good answer for the red stuff.
That film is getting positive reviews, with 'Rotten' and 'Imdb' rating it more than eighty percent. Hmmm... I imagine a lot of ex-fans are going. I'll watch it when it gets to 'N-Flix'and compare notes with you.🤗
@Paulxx001 my friend is a smart guy and he realizes that it's staged. His argument would be that it still takes a hell of a lot of athleticism (and pain tolerance) to execute those choreographed moves. It's entertainment. For me, only in small doses, then it gets boring.
@smartasswoman
No kidding. Even after I knew, I'd still watch it for the entertainment value. And occasionally, I still believed, "That couldn't have been faked." Lol... 😲
There's a lot of psychology that goes into pro wrestling in terms of developing a character that will evoke some form of emotional connection with the audience. One can look at their gimmicks, how their stories are told and carried forward outside the ring and how people knowingly pick out the 'good guy.' I find it fascinating.
But I agree with you, only in small doses. 😶
@smartasswoman
OK, stop the presses.
Never mind 'the chef/wrestler', I just watched the movie 'salt-burn'; sick, slick and well-written. But what caught my eye was that eye candy —Jacob Elordi. Have you seen this guy? (I found him on SNL this weekend, so I got curious.) He's obviously too young for me (at 26) and perhaps too tall (at 6'4" ), but damn, does he have a smile. 😁
Seriously though — now there's someone who is more your ...uhm... height? Lol... 😂 And his abs are fine as well. 👍
Interesting movie. I don't know where he came from (Australia is what I read), but he made an impression on me. Funny how talent, looks, or both just pop out of the woodwork like that.
'Salt' is messed up a bit, so I'll caution you if you put it on your 'watch list': I like things that. No, I don't have a man crush. Lol...😂
Besides, he's just a boie.
@smartasswoman
Yes... my tongue was in my cheek.😶💕
@Paulxx001 a friend asked if I had seen it so I watched it last weekend. Yep the Felix character is very cute. But it was Oliver who I ended up fascinated by. Ugly one moment, sort of handsome the next.
@smartasswoman
I can see that. He was a devious and evil character and reminded me a bit of Matt Damon in 'the talented Mr. Ripley.'
Spooky. 😲
Have not seen the show. Knew nothing about it or him until he started winning a bunch of acting awards including a Golden Globe, Critics Choice and Emmy.
In my opinion, to be the 'face of Calvin Klein' it should be a combination of looks and body. For me, he falls short on the looks.
You're the second person to say that. 😊 I find him attractive, but that might be because I had 11 seasons of Shameless to get used to the way he looks.
I'm afraid to edit so I'll doublecomment... I couldn't watch the show. It was too intense and caused me anxiety just watching the first few episodes. I bailed after 4.
I watched #4 or 5 last night...still on the fence. It depends on whether I cancel Hulu now that I've caught up on Handmaid's Tale and Fargo.
Holy shit that was hilarious!!! Three quarter size body? I'm dying!!!!!
I guess I never knew that he's kinda short...the podcast where I heard about the Calvin Klein ad and the McSweeney's piece also thought that "three quarter size" was especially funny. 😊
I'm immune to men's six pack abs. But it was great fun reading about them, as if there was no question that they were the actual stars of the show.
I actually haven't seen much of his abs in The Bear. If at all. Apparently he's in a wrestling movie so that must be why he got in shape. I'm skeptical though...we've known all along that a lot of female models with a "thigh gap" are photoshopped; why couldn't Calvin Klein photoshop his abs?? I'm sure they have the skills now to do that on live action as well as still photos.
@smartasswoman
It coincided with him getting in shape for that wrestling movie. That's the reason Klein called. Those are HIS fricken abs. 😲👍😂
@Paulxx001 I have no doubt that he got himself into incredible shape for the movie. I also would not be at all surprised if the commercial was edited to make him look even more ripped.
@smartasswoman
Meh... I guess ya gotta be a guy to get it.
And ya gotta believe that it's possible to look that good naturally.
And there are natural tricks that guys use.
I could share them with you, but then I'd have to... Lol... 😂
Such a skeptic.
When all Jeremy really has is 'super abs'.
Check out some of the material on him making that movie, out-takes, scenes, and other clips out there. He is fricken ripped. Heck, check out that movie. And P-shop wasn't needed in his Klein ad.
How do I know all this? Men know.
Shesh... such a skeptic. 😂😎
@smartasswoman
By the way... How do I know all this?
When I was in my late twenties, still single and working for a firm that provided gym memberships, I... went... nutz ... working out. It's all I did. Lunch hours and after work — twice daily, five days a week. I watched my diet and had my BMI down to 11; a man's body is at its strongest in those late twenties and early thirties.
All I'm saying is that itZ possible — and no editing is required. 😎
@Paulxx001 are you really presuming to try to tell a 66 year old woman who still posts half naked pictures of herself, what one needs to do to take a flattering picture?
Of course I know that all the dudes who post flexy veiny pictures of themselves do it right after they got pumped from lifting weights.
@smartasswoman
huh?
presume what?
i was talking about jeremy during the photo-shoot
replace 'ya' with 'jeremy'
never mind
@Paulxx001 I get it. Where I say "what one needs to do to take a flattering picture" replace 'one' with 'Jeremy'.
I will admit that I don't believe there is anyone "too hot" for fantasyland but it definitely isn't that boy.
He was a boy in the Shameless series, now he’s 32 (admittedly still too young for the likes of me).
I haven’t seen the Bear so I’m lost
In a nutshell - Jeremy plays a high level chef who inherits his brother's much more down to earth restaurant in Chicago, and tries to make changes in the kitchen. The other people mentioned in the piece are other kitchen staff. Maybe I should have included their pictures in the post!
Cousin Richie:
Marcus the pastry chef:
(you're probably still lost)
@smartasswoman
(you're probably still lost)
Yup 😂
It’s okay…I’m not super “looks” focused. So, a lot of the satire is lost on me anyway