Recently I’ve been listening to the podcast Come As You Are, hosted by sex educator Emily Nagoski.
The last episode I listened to, one of the call-in questions was from a woman who worried because she could only have an orgasm when masturbating by herself. Specifically, when watching porn.
Boy, could I relate to that. After lots and lots of celibate time over the last ten years or so, my brain has apparently trained itself that THAT is the situation where I orgasm - iPad propped up on my belly, vibrator firmly applied to my clit, no one else around. Even then, it’s a very precise operation of edging and building up at just the right pace.
Emily’s proposed solution was ingenious. She suggested a program of progressive desensitization. The first step might be masturbating with porn alone, but a picture of the woman’s boyfriend is sitting next to her (I found this amusing, but I guess it’s logical). Next step might be doing it behind a closed door but the boyfriend is somewhere in her home. Next step after that might be doing it in her bedroom, but the lights are out and boyfriend is sitting in a chair somewhere in the room (that last one might be a big hurdle for me).
[if you’re curious to listen to the podcast episode, I believe it was called How to Improve Your Orgasms]
So, last night HWD and I were lounging around in post-sex relaxation and I was telling him about the podcast episode, including the fact that I really related to only being able to orgasm alone while watching porn.
He said - “Hey, I would really enjoy watching some porn with you while both of us masturbate”. The guy is insatiable. He had already had several of his patented dry orgasms (and by “several” I mean, maybe 10 or 15?). But he was game to keep going. I could tell just talking about the two of us watching porn together was getting him aroused again.
So I pulled out my vibrator and iPad.
Well…I’m here to tell you, it didn’t go so well. First there was the logistical issue that I didn’t have the right strength of reading glasses in my bedroom. 😂 Normally I have the iPad right in front of me and am wearing my extra strong pair. To have it at more of a middle distance where both of us could see it, the #2 pair would have been best, but it was down in the kitchen.
We tried a couple of videos that we had mutually decided looked promising, but he kept rejecting them because it didn’t look like the women in the videos were genuinely enjoying themselves. Apparently this is a criterion for him. We digressed into a brief discussion where I argued that likely it’s very rare for a porn actress to be truly enjoying what she’s doing, rather than doing her job. I said, “It’s called acting, you know?”
I guess you could argue that wouldn’t so much be the case with amateur porn, but I’ve always been skeptical of how “amateur” the stuff that’s labeled that way really is.
Anyway, he took over searching. There were several red herrings and dead ends. I joked, “this is like when you let the guy have the remote” (remembering my ex’s annoying habit of navigating to a different TV program whenever a commercial came on, invariably resulting in us having missed a plot point whenever he thought it was time to navigate back).
Anyway, he got frustrated trying to use the site that I normally watch and said, “let’s use my iPad. I have a playlist.” (of course he does).
None of his saved stuff appealed to me. HWD is super nonjudgmental about body types, something that I appreciate as a 66 year old woman. But it’s not helpful when it results in a parade of porn videos with big bellied guys. Yes…I am shallow…I want my porn men to be in shape.
Another digression - hey, they don't have to be jacked body builders, they just need to look like a guy who gets off the couch with regularity.
Oh OK, I do have a thing for muscular legs. Probably a result of my years of cycling.
Back to the story.
The nadir was a Mexican amateur film with a lady and a couple of big guys (instead of “yes yes yes” it was “si si si!&rdquo
. It went on and on. I said, “this really isn’t doing it for me”. HWD said “Just a few more minutes” (I guess it was doing it for him). I gave up and turned off my vibrator.
He said, “do you mind if I keep going?” I said “of course not”. The Mexican film ended and THEN he finally found a couple that were more appealing for me, but it was too late, that ship had sailed. He did end up with a rousing ejaculatory orgasm (fairly rare for him) so I was happy for him, but not so happy for myself.
Sorry, you were probably hoping for a sexy tale today, weren’t you? Rest assured that our sexy time prior to that little experiment was very fun.
And now, if you dare, tell me how it’s gone for you when you try to watch porn with a partner.
20
29 comments
I’m still laughing about ‘the right strength of reading glasses’ so relatable … getting old is over rated … I have long arms … I’m 6’3” but even then getting an iPad in a focused range and then being able to perform any sort of stimulation with a partner or even in solitary mode is increasingly challenging …. I’m thinking forward to my next visit to the opticians when they ask ‘ what do you usually wear reading glasses for?’ ….. well … mmm … it’s complicated
6'3" you say?? 🤩 Hmmm, she says interestedly.
@smartasswoman well if you lay me out on a hard flat surface for long enough …. vertically I probably stoop a tad these days!
@smartasswoman thanks for the ‘gift’ ….I’m not sure quite what I’ve done to deserve it but thanks anyway …
@OldSaltySeaman my points were above 20K and I never use them - so in my first comment on this post I promised points to people who told their stories about watching porn with a partner. Your comment was also damn funny. 😀
@smartasswoman Thank you, you’re too kind
I've rarely watched porn with a partner. We might have had it running in the background as we ate the pizza afterwards. It was more trouble finding the right scene and more distracting than it was worth. Although, I'll admit it provided better motivation than when we accidentally flipped to the Disney channel. 😂
The main thing I get from this comment, is thoughts of how fun it would be to eat a yummy pizza after having sex. 😂
It sounds like your experience was very similar, the challenge of finding a clip that's appealing to both people.
I have never watched porn with a partner. Of course, many moons ago I walked into a party with a date and porn was on. We watched for a couple of minutes and then I left.
Yeaaaah...I don't want people cuing up porn at a party. I think maybe not even at a swinger party! (which I assume this wasn't).
I've watched a pretty wide variety of porn with hubs. Best if I pick as he tends to go with more amateur and I tend to prefer better lighting, camera work and sexier bodies (and frankly, he's not really picky about porn). He also likes to watch videos of me with others, but those don't tend to get me off as I can be very self critical. Most of the time, his assistance with my self pleasure is not helpful other than if he'll hold my phone (which is what we usually are watching). I have had better assisted masturbation with others, but that is without porn and when they are just focused on me. Cum so much harder in that situation. LOL, but yeah, we both need glasses to watch it anymore.
Buy an iPad for your bedroom! Maybe the large size
I'm kind of thinking about that for my next upgrade, although at the same time I'm interested in an iPad mini for travel. Sigh - decisions, decisions.
I have never video'd myself having sex. I did have one attempt at camming on AFF way way back in my more adventurous days, but it was too scary trying to keep my face from appearing on the screen.
These days the self criticism would definitely get in the way.
@smartasswoman I only do the videos for when hubs can't watch in person and I still don't get much (i really need to just get a tripod phone holder thing as I usually just shoot 30-90 seconds and then turn it off and focus on my fwb. Though might be a moot point since I haven't been playing the last several months.
The only porn I have ever watched with a partner was our own videos. Likewise, I never masturbated while watching videos of others. Focusing on my self-pleasure while thinking of him and our encounters led to explosive orgasmic fulfillment.
Well, THAT would be hot (watching porn of yourselves). Um, maybe. I think I would probably be finding fault with my body. 😬
@smartasswoman Initially, that was my concern too. However, those feelings quickly dissipated and I enjoyed reliving the experiences.
I rarely watch porn, but when I do I have a few favorite videos. Funny story, when I was first chatting with my current lover, it turned out that he watched the same couple I did! So now we occasionally see if they have any new videos out when we're laying around together. He's the only guy that I've ever watched porn with that it was fun!
That is awesome - it's a very odd compatibility test but a good one, I think!
You must be new around here. 😊 HWD is a pseudonym for my regular partner, who has two kids and two jobs, therefore - Hard Workin’ Dad.
Hope things work out with your chat friend!
@smartasswoman p.s. "Now I am...." grammar errors 🤦🏻♂️ but you should also know I am picturing those cycling legs (after a drenching Peloton workout today). 😂😉😍
It's porn, nothing wrong with wanting to set the men or woman that so it fit you, especially as a fantasy. You got to get off to what gets you off..
Ain't that the truth!? Our brains can be very weird sometimes.
I think what you just described has happened to many of us over the scores of years that we have had sex. I enjoy a lot of different porn but if I'm in a "phase" and it's not appealing to my partner, I'm not going to be suggesting we watch it together.
I often go through a phase of wanting to watch gay men having sex. I think that's because it's raw desire and I can take myself out of the equation. But I can't imagine it appealing to any of the partners I have had in the past.
Oh well... have fun and keep on coming! LOL
That’s funny, I was just thinking that maybe gay porn would be the ticket for us, seeing as he’s bi. I’ve enjoyed it from time to time. But, not sure if it has the “it” factor to push me over the cliff of orgasmic inevitability. 😊
The important thing is you tried it together.
Sex isn't always perfect, but I've found doing it together (regardless of what "it" is) always makes it more fun - or at least good blog fodder.
You're right, and I'm glad that the lines of communication are still open between us and that we're willing to experiment and try things.
The laugh emoji was at your comment that it makes good blog fodder. 😉
Perfect story
Thank you.
I have watched porn with Cowboy. We do not choose the same type of porn. So we end up watching what he wants and I am bored.
I am not fond of masturbating with an audience. That is my private time activity. If someone wants to watch I feel like I am supposed to put on a show for them. Let's face it, they aren't watching for educational purposes. Sighsss ...
Hugs!!
That sounds really similar to my experience on Friday night. We were agreed on general categories, so I was kind of surprised at the different "look" of the videos that appealed to him!
I also am self conscious about putting on a show.
Have never watched porn with a partner
You and OddsAgainst! It's OK, we'll let you stay on the pervert site, lol.
The point I found in watching porn with a partner is too act out some of the positions that are being displayed. One girl I was living with for two years enjoyed watching it together from time to time. She really got into talking about what was being done and would describe what she liked about what she was watching. She would get so aroused from it.
On another note, one girl I went out with a few times said she loved watching porn but didnt want to watch it with a guy because she felt that the guy would be focused on how the actress looked instead of thinking about her.
Everyone has their reason for how and when and with who if any, that they watch porn. For me it excites me to do what is being done on the screen, with the woman I am watching porn with.
It can definitely be a source of new ideas!
Interestingly, I'm not really bothered by the aspect you mentioned in the second example. I guess because we're open and I already know that he is turned on by a LOT of different people and body types.
@smartasswoman Everyone has their perks and how they deal with scenarios. The girl from my second example turned out to have a major issue I couldn't handle. When she began to drink, she became the meanest drunk. There was a whole lot of anger in her.
There is a saying in Spanish that I remember hearing as a kid. Meaning: If there are a lot of cockroaches in that drawer, DON'T open it.
Let’s sweeten the pot. I’ll gift some points to anyone who’s brave enough to tell a story about watching porn with their partner.
@mufdiver69er2 yikes, that does sound very frustrating!
I appreciate your sympathy, but really, it's OK. Maybe it wouldn't have felt OK 15 years ago. At this point, with my libido being fairly low, I'm just appreciating that I have someone who I can experience pleasure and intimacy with (pleasure can still happen even without an orgasm!!).
@CarriedBack TV is not a distraction at least. I don't have a TV in my bedroom. I suppose a TV might be better for watching porn, if we decided we were into that. But there really isn't a good place for one in my bedroom (and I'm kinda philosophically opposed to it).
I never really watch porn and although one lover suggested it to me we never ever did as we only had to glance at one another for the sexual energy to take over.
Sounds nice! We had already expended plenty of sexual energy, this was along the lines of a spur of moment experiment.
We do it regularly! We both love it . Gives us ideas sometimes gets her horny and me to. We have 1 an old vhs tape called 2 chick's an a Big Dick lol had it for decades.
VHS, wow! Could I interest you in some VHS tapes of the Tour de France from the early 2000's? 😂
@smartasswoman lol no thanks