Warning, very WORDY post ahead. Probably only the best of friends will find this interesting for the duration.
It’s been about four weeks since HWD moved in. Things are going generally well. I do have occasional thoughts about whether I’ll be able to deal with his ADHD on a full time basis. Examples: His credit card is MIA (not stolen, there’s been no activity) and then a couple weeks ago he misplaced his debit card as well. An entire evening had to be devoted to going through all of his stuff searching for it - not found. The next morning he went to the last place he remembered using it (The Friends School Plant Sale that I volunteered at, coincidentally - his daughter volunteered also) and miraculously it was in the lost and found.
A couple nights ago, he got home late as per usual, then came up with a bizarre culinary concoction - left over sticky rice, eggs, and dutch apple pie all stirred together and formed into a sort of “pancake” that he proceeded to cook in a cast iron pan. I don’t care about that part - it’s not like he was asking me to eat it. But then he went down to the basement, probably thinking of some two minute thing to do… Seven minutes later, I start to smell something burning. “HWD? I think your thingie is burning?” HWD: “Shit shit SHIT!”
Even that wouldn’t have been a huge deal for me, just kind of funny. But he was SO upset about it and clearly worried that I would be mad.
In the midst of all of my ponderings about whether this is a good idea, I came across a blog post from 2008 (I’m still doing blog clean-up).
So here’s my old post - and how HWD scores. A good reminder of why the challenges might be worth enduring.
Rubens5222 [long gone from the site] challenged us to come up with a checklist of our ideal partner's traits/attributes/skills etc. Initially, my assumption was that this was so many items that by the end, I would be clutching at straws like,
He agrees that Eddy Merckx was the greatest bicyclist of all time, not Lance Armstrong
However, once I got started, I couldn't believe how fast the ideas were flowing. I was up to 35 before I had to pause even a little bit to scratch my head. What does this say about me? That I have an untapped reservoir of Hallmark fantasies just screaming to be met? Well, I'm not going to drive myself crazy trying to psychoanalyze this. Remember ‒ this list is fantasyland ‒ it's not like I seriously expect that this guy exists anywhere….
I threw down the ideas at random. Then, because I have OCD-lite, I felt compelled to sort and categorize them:
The Very Basics:
The Interests:
8. Loves music. Alternative rock, singer songwriter types, melodic jazz (sorry, no dissonant 'free jazz' ), classical, world music, soul/R&B, bluegrass. Point deduction for liking heavy metal, Journey/Boston/Rush/Styx/Kansas, or bad country music. ✅
9. Loves outdoor activities like bicycling and hiking. Half a ✅ He doesn’t really have the free time for us to do these kind of things together.
10. Conversely, accepts the fact that camping is not really my thing. Maybe this one is NA now, after my camping adventure last summer
11. Will read for leisure (and not just Newsweek or the latest fad management book that will make him look good to his boss). ✅ He’s more of an audiobook guy, but that’s OK.
12. Willing to go out, stay up late, and even hit the dance floor every now and then. Half a ✅ but then I’m not interested in doing this very often anymore anyway.
13. Enjoys good wine. This is NA now that I’m avoiding alcohol because of my AFib.
14. Likes to travel and is flexible enough to enjoy either an 'active' vacation or lying on the beach for a week. I can’t really score this one since he is basically unable to travel due to time and money constraints. He did a LOT of traveling in the past though.
15. Not obsessed with watching professional sports on television ✅
Personality and values:
16. Honest ✅
17. Has integrity ✅
18. Not subject to violent outbursts of temper ✅
19. Secure in himself - is not intimidated by occasional encounters with my smart, sarcastic girlfriends ✅
20. Can be passionate about topics near and dear to his heart but is also willing to 'agree to disagree’ ✅
21. Is a positive person who assumes that other people have good motivations (unless strongly proven otherwise) ✅
22. Is not stingy ‒ willing to spend money on a really good meal, a massage, or other pleasures in life (that doesn't mean he has to pay for MINE ‒ just be willing to do these things and not analyze every single transaction with the goal of squeezing every last penny in his favor). Hmmm I wouldn’t say his personality is stingy but he just doesn’t have the dough to do things like that.
23. Doesn't have any strongly incompatible sociopolitical views (e.g. not a rabid anti-choice fanatic, doesn't think Orange Man is the greatest thing since sliced bread) ✅
24. Has some sense of environmental responsibility (e.g. doesn't drive a Hummer or tear up the woods on an ATV) ✅
Care and feeding of the relationship
25. Will put in ~50% of the relationship effort (emailing, phoning). I don't have to always be the one to suggest getting together. ✅
26. Is willing to entertain at his place now and then, and has a place that is comfy to hang out in (is not a disgusting slob ). This was ❌ before we were living together. He is doing a pretty good job of keeping his chaos confined to the basement, though.
27. Is free with affection outside of a sex situation (will sit with his arm around me, dispense hugs or a kiss on the forehead) ✅ ✅
28. Makes me feel appreciated (especially in the boudoir) ✅ ✅
29. Is a good writer and can express his feelings for me in writing (I find this really hot, and there is just something about having that permanent memento). Hm not so much, on expressing feelings for me in writing.
30. Will understand my blogging addiction ‒ he may even faithfully read and comment upon my blogs. Initially a ✅ but not so much anymore (which is why I feel comfortable posting this exercise haha!)
31. Accepts that even though I know that spontaneity is a positive thing, at heart I am not a super spontaneous person and won't always have a comfort level with last minute changes in plans. ✅
Lifestyle:
32. If he has children, he shares custody with his ex so that he has time available to be with me one on one. Or, better yet, the children are grown and just about ready to start popping out grandchildren for our enjoyment. Half a ✅ ? They do share custody, but there is still an incredible amount of time spent driving the kids to activities.
33. Lives a relatively healthy lifestyle but doesn't get preachy about occasional lapses to eat French fries or a brownie ✅
34. Likes his job, or at the very least doesn't feel the need to constantly complain about it ✅
35. Is not a workaholic. I wouldn’t say he has a workaholic personality, but it is a fact that he has two jobs and works seven days a week.
36. Does not have a cat (I am violently allergic). ✅
37. If a dog owner, does not place his dog above me in importance. ✅
38. Not an extreme morning person, or if so, will let me sleep in for a bit, undisturbed. ✅
The Sex Stuff:
39. Is open to exploring some kinky things (bondage, spanking, etc. - nothing too far out). ✅
40. Can exercise dominance in a sex setting, but embraces that I am strong and independent outside of that setting. Not so much, but then I’m not really looking for someone dominant any more.
41. Is willing to spend an entire day in bed playing with me, every now and then. Now that my libido has subsided I don’t really think I’d want this anymore haha!
42. Has mad bedroom skillz (or is open to accepting feedback and learning). I wouldn’t say mad skills, but definitely enthusiasm and open to feedback.
43. Has a reliable erection or has made medical arrangements to ensure same ✅
44. Disease free and won't complain about wearing a condom ✅
45. Is at least open to discussion about alternative options like polyamory or threesomes ✅
46. Enjoys sensual activities like massage. He’s not all that interested in getting a “formal” massage on a massage table, weirdly enough. But always is appreciative of me rubbing his back.
And finally:
47. Has progressed past the year 1979 in many ways (e.g. does not have a Tom Selleck mustache, will listen to music created after 1979, and knows how to do things like transfer pictures from a camera to a computer). *Naturally a ✅ since he’s 12 years younger than me. 😂 This was something I had problems with, when dating guys of my own age haha. ✅
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21 comments
Sticky rice, eggs, and Dutch apple pie pancakes: he's obviously developing ideas for his franchise. I'd give it a crack — at least once.👍
You have mild OCD? Only sixteen more years to sift through.😶
Intriguing pic-effect: I like it.
I cheered Lance for seven years; what a complete waste of time. Although, to be fair, they probably ALL cheated. Everyone but Eddy. 🤗
Interesting set of numbers and a worthy checklist to keep handy. ✔
So what do your intelligent, sarcastic friends say to him when he's there? 😲
(second try at this)
I see it now (obviously 😊 ).
The current tally, started with 1890 posts and I'm down to 1420. So I'm about 25% done! 😃
I was a big Lance fan too, and I even stood up for him when the initial rumors about cheating surfaced. Much to my embarrassment once it became clear he really did.
He actually hasn't met my group of besties, the ones who annoyed my ex so much. But he did meet another group of my friends, the people who I go out to dinner with once a month at ethnic restaurants - and everyone had a good time.
@smartasswoman
When the facts about Lance came out so many years later, it was as if seven years of history had been instantly erased: it's tainted my perception of that race and sports in general.
My jaw dropped as I visualized what you still have left. Lite? Nah... Medium — you'll have earned it. 😂
I'll guess at what your "group of besties" crack you about. 😲😂
So... when do you think he'll be ready for them? 😶
@Paulxx001 Remember when spunky was doing his interviews and one of the standard questions was "what three words would your friends use to describe you"? I actually asked them, and one of the responses was "detail oriented". 😂
There's a lot more pluses than minuses, by a clear margin, so I'm taking that as things are going well.
PS. If Mark Cavendish wins one more Tour de France stage and therefore overtakes Eddy Mercks' stage wins, does that him better than Eddy Merckx? I suspect not as Merckx won the Tour de France and Cavendish hasn't come close.
It's interesting...I think those kind of checklists are strongly influenced by experiences with past partners. When I did this list in 2008, #18 and #34 certainly were. But I never thought of issues like mental health or being severely broke...
I don't think stage wins should be the sole determinant of the best rider ever; as you correctly note Cavendish is more of a specialist whereas Merckx was an overall beast. Also note that when I wrote this list I don't think Lance had been thoroughly disgraced yet! Obviously I wouldn't even put him up for comparison at this point.
Several years ago, I did a post about my ideal aff partner because I got the question all the time about what I was looking for and it was a fun exercise to try to articulate it. I should go back and re- read it and see how it stacks up against those I've been with since. I don't think my taste has changed much but I have learned some lessons. Mine was, of course, not as much focused on the living partner compatibility. I have learned that my husband is definitely the very best person in that category. I also learned there are many things I would tolerate in a fwb that I would absolutely be unable to live with in a true life partner. Most of the men I've been with are way too unreliable. Sigh
It would be fun to see your old post (hint hint).
Very true that the traits for a FWB are a lot less rigorous. When that was HWD's status, I would say he was reliable in that he managed to find time to see me once a week without fail...but unreliable in that I couldn't depend on what time he would actually arrive (the ADHD again).
@smartasswoman Hint taken. Blog post submitted. Fingers crossed it gets approved.
@CL_Love Yay!
It’s interesting that you describe things as going ‘generally well’ yet he scores very high on your check list. Perhaps it’s proof that you really don’t know someone until you live with them. It’s been 4 weeks and you haven’t tossed him out so it must be going well!
It IS going well. I’m a worrywart type so can’t help but wonder whether it’ll work for the long haul.
To me, the discovery is that these lists often tend to be reactive to issues that one had with past partners. And they don’t anticipate things that you’ve never experienced (in this case, bad money skills and other things that come out of having ADHD).
@smartasswoman It sounds like you are adjusting to / liking the idea of him being there for the ‘long haul’ rather than the initial idea of it being a temporary arrangement while he looks for his own place.
How are things working out with him sharing custody of his kids? Has he brought them around for a visit? (Sorry if this is being too nosy)
@sexyldy1000 they haven’t been over yet. I met the younger one briefly a few weeks ago; she went to an art crawl with HWD and me. I’m guessing that either his ex or the older daughter are resistant to them spending time here, or maybe HWD is trying to avoid imposing. I haven’t wanted to press the issue but I’ll probably ask him about it soon.
@smartasswoman Makes sense for the introduction to his kids be taken slowly and at whatever pace the decide is best.
Woah! That is quite the list....and I love the updates concerning your significant other. Your expectations strike me as both reasonable and kind.
The most exciting thing when I returned here recently was to find my old blog posts still viewable. I promptly copied them over to my computer...some 400 or so posts. They are interesting reading for me if only because they remind me of how I have changed.
I am a little curious on how you are editing those old posts? Why might you delete some and keep others?
P.S. Glad to have found your blog and to be able to tap into the blogs of those who read yours.
I'm not really editing. I'm just looking at the post, making the decision to save or not to save, and then either directly deleting or deleting after I save the post to my computer.
I admit, most posts I'm choosing to save. I had a series early on where I featured pictures of cute Tour de France riders and all of the pictures have disappeared, making the posts mostly meaningless, so those I'm deleting. And other ones where the main point of the post was a photo share and the photo is no longer there.
I've always thought that when I leave this place I'll erase my presence here, or at most just leave a few "classic" posts. So I'm just trying to get a head start on that since it's not a small task.
Were there any things from you original list that you were like "why on earth did I list that?"
I feel like I'm such a different person than I was fifteen years ago, my list would probably be somewhat um... shallow I'm afraid.
Hm, this comment seems to have popped up super delayed.
I would say it’s surprisingly consistent with what I’m looking for now. Since it was always a stretch to come up with 47 things, some of the items like #10 are pretty random. However it’s still accurate that someone who wants to go tent camping every weekend probably wouldn’t be a good match for me.
@smartasswoman good to know you've been consistent!
Trying again as this was flagged. " thanks for the warning on length,i had to restart my music( 6 : 31 ) to read it.
So far so good and your list is nothing outrageous in my book. OCD -lite made me chuckle, as there are different levels. Yes....so far so good !" Kudos to you both ~
Ugh, sorry about the flag.
Yeah it's a long list, but I agree there isn't anything too outrageous on it.
I love your list and how HWD rates in there. I think its genius you made the list. Smart women everywhere should make their own list, then score the men in their lives, LOL.
It was interesting to stumble across it and realize that he actually fits a lot of the items I listed 16 years ago.
But I also stumbled across a fairly recent blog (within the last year) where someone I met up with was quite late and I commented, "I don't think I could handle it if someone was late all the time". Wellll it turns out HWD is late all the time. 😂 If it's something truly critical he can usually pull it together - like last night we went to a concert where I wanted to see the opening act and I knew they'd be beginning around 8. But for non-critical stuff... 🤷🏻♀️
It sounds like things are working out for you, and that's awesome.
Your list isn't all that unreasonable and sounds quite a bit like mine, of course with a few exceptions. Like HAS to like cats. 🤣
I actually do like cats. I just don't like itchy eyes and asthma. 😃
@smartasswoman Totally get it!
In other private joke news, did you catch the extra like that killed me to leave there?
@EnigmaInitiative I didn't catch it at all until you told me! See, I told you I don't notice it!
@smartasswoman
I have been trying to cut back.
Looks like HWD is turning into a good roommate.
Methinks he isn't the type who should leave the stove unattended, but you probably not so bad that you have the need to stand by with a fire extinguisher 😂
Heck the smoke alarm didn't even go off!
He could use some life skill coaching I think. I am absent minded myself, so for example, after I wash a cast iron skillet and put it on a gas flame to dry, I'll usually set a timer so I don't get distracted and forget to come back and turn off the flame.
After the debit card incident I asked him if he would consider getting a wallet instead of just carrying a card loose in his pocket. He said he didn't like bulky things in his pocket. After some more discussion he did end up buying kind of a big clip for his cards - not as bulky as a wallet but will be more noticeable if it falls out. 🤞
@smartasswoman
A YouTuber, Philip DeFranco talked about Ridge wallet he likes since it's sleek and doesn't get in the way. They ain't cheap, tho. Supposedly a lifetime guarantee.
@smartasswoman
I've made that skillet mistake. The fricken thing was glowing brilliant red by the time I stumbled upon it. OMG. Thick oven gloves and a couple of panicked seconds later... I realized it could have been worse. 😲
Gotta love cast iron.💕
@JN63JPN his bright orange clip was $1.95 at the neighborhood surplus store so I’m counting that a win! 😄
If you're giving him some half checks, he deserves double credit for #47, "Cougar"? 😂
He definitely gets credit for not being deterred by me being 12 years older.
👍
Interesting as if we're writing list whole lot would be similar to yours.
@bignicktx I would think the first few items in the "values" section, most people would be looking for?
Sticky rice, eggs, and Dutch apple pie pancakes: he's obviously developing ideas for his franchise. I'd give it a crack — at least once.👍
You have mild OCD? Only sixteen more years to sift through.😶
Intriguing pic-effect: I like it.
I cheered Lance for seven years; what a complete waste of time. Although, to be fair, they probably ALL cheated. Everyone but Eddy. 🤗
Interesting set of numbers and a worthy checklist to keep handy. ✔
So what do your intelligent, sarcastic friends say to him when he's there? 😲
Ha! The first one finally came through.
@smartasswoman
Sure... 😲😂👍✅
The question is, where was it, and why does it smell like stale beer?