Here's a picture I've been wanting to post for a while. You won't be seeing any re-enactments of this on HNW - I can't even do a cartwheel let alone balance on one hand and kick up my skirt to look like a flower.
The Sarah Bernhardt peony is starting to bloom but looked rather bedraggled this morning after a heavy rainstorm (the one disadvantage to peonies - they get knocked over really easily by rain). So I snipped off a few blossoms to bring indoors, along with the last of the Coral Charm blossoms.
Housemate drama
Last Thursday night, in a moment of distraction, HWD pulled out of an intersection and an oncoming car hit him. Luckily he wasn't hurt, the other driver wasn't hurt, and the other driver was very nice. One of his front tires was no bueno, so he was out there in the dark trying to get a spare put on so he'd be able to drive it to the nearest garage without having to pay for a tow.
The estimate to make it driveable again is $1300-$1600. When he moved in, he handed me $1000 in cash to set aside for a deposit on future apartment and asked me to only give it back to him if there was an emergency. Well, there goes the $1000. 😕
Here's the difference between privileged Smarty worldview and broke HWD worldview. In my mind the car is a piece of crap, and pouring $1300 into it just to make it driveable (not even fixing the other stuff that's wrong with it) is sending good money after bad. In HWD's mindset, the piece of crap car cost $2500 (and was a lucky find, at that); he doesn't have $2500 or more to replace it; ergo the $1300 repair has to get done.
Meanwhile he's been using my car a LOT, which is bringing me back to a year ago, when his previous car died and he was borrowing mine all the time whilst in the process of trying to scrounge up money and hunt for a replacement car. It came close to ending the relationship at that time. We were still officially "casual" but I felt like the requests being made of me were more like what you'd expect from an established girlfriend.
Hey, I'm retired, it's not like I have that much going on...but in our car-centric society I can't help but feel a bit stranded when he uses my car to drive to work. Today I wanted it to go to yoga and to go grocery shopping - the price for that was to drive him to work and pick him up again afterward.
Le sigh.
You can see why I needed that 47 things checklist to put things into perspective.
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Smart, I love the picture. I am going to try to reenact it…no really just kidding. It sounds as though you have taken a man to raise. I hope for you all the trouble is worth the time put into the relationship. Not for me to say but only for you. I am struggling through my pansies today. I will post a couple of prettier ones that won’t ever make it to market because they are too intricate for 55mph color. Nowhere near as cool as your peonies.
Your pansies are gorgeous! It makes me sorry that cool pansy season is drawing to a close here.
"Is it worth it" is the key question, for sure. I will say it's awfully nice to be getting consistent affection.
Yes, yes, I could get a dog lol. But then I'd have to walk it and pick up its poop and pay for dog food and vet and grooming!
@smartasswoman pick up dog poop or share a car
Does HWD not have car insurance?
Your peonies are beautiful.
You could always take a picture , upright, doing the kicking and then invert it 180 degrees to look like you're on one hand.
He has insurance, but it's liability only. I guess I can see the logic - in this situation the insurance company probably would have declared the car a total loss and given him a check that wouldn't be enough to buy a decent replacement car - like what CarpeJamie described in his comment.
Now I'm trying to think whether I could even kick my leg that high, standing straight up. 😂
I can understand where you'd feel like you're carrying the financial weight of the relationship without any corresponding balance in other areas. That would be like a little grit in the gears to me, especially since it doesn't sound like he's able to change his situation at the moment. I empathize with you on this, I've been in your shoes twice in my life and neither time ended with my partner making the changes needed to be an equal in the relationship and I began to grow tired of feeling like a nagging mom. I hope your situation is solved amicably!!
Yes, I do feel like a nagging mom much of the time. I did get him to agree to work on budget monitoring with me - the first step is actually getting a handle on what's coming in and where it's all going. After that, maybe I'll have some ideas. Or, who knows, I may conclude that he truly is financially screwed. 😊
Living in windy Kansas our flowers have to be tough. ( Or planted in sheltered areas.)
A good s-mama cougar would just get HWD a replacement car! 🤣 (Edited for reposting.)
You laugh, but I've thought about it. Somehow my psyche is better suited to a grand gesture than the day to day irritation of him putting 10 times as many miles on my car than I do.
My car is 10 years old and I'll probably replace it in the next couple of years. I've had thoughts if we are still involved and serious, of giving the current car to him. Even at 10 years old it would be a significant upgrade from his current vehicle - his has something like 200K miles; mine has 51k. Yeah, I'm like the little old lady from Pasadena, only instead of only driving to church on Sunday; I'm only driving to yoga (a mile away).
@smartasswoman There ya go - PERFECT solution. Treat yourself to an upgrade. Give the old one to him - an upgrade for him too apparently.
When I first set my eyes on the first picture , I saw how artistic it is plus beauty in it.
It really is a gorgeous photo. 😊
I think you could do the photo. You are a strong women (especially mentally). I have faith in you. To me, when repairs = car payment, start the car payments.
Haha you haven't seen me in yoga class! Balance is not my forte.
I can see both points of view regarding the car. But HWD's hands seem somewhat tied given his financial situation.
They are. I know I talked before about working with him on a budget as a condition of being able to live here. I didn't have the courage to bring that up yet, as there were other more pressing matters, like where was all of his stuff going to go. But if I end up helping with the extra $300-$600, I think I will use that as leverage to have that discussion.
"Le sigh"
C'est la vie!!
N'est-ce pas?
"Quel dommage" also comes to mind here. 😊
Very cool picture shure can't reenact? Great blooms.
Fortunate no injuries. However should go get checked out as unseen injuries could have great consequences My life largely trashed by a careless driver 25 years ago.
@bignicktx I'm really sorry to hear that. It's scary how one's life can change in the blink of an eye.
@smartasswoman it is. If it had any positive lasting effect would be I am much more compassionate towards others and do feel their pain
When one partner is in a significantly different financial position than the other, it can create tension and affect the dynamics.
While you see the repair cost as excessive, HWD values the car differently due to its initial cost and scarcity of funds for a replacement.
Instead of focusing solely on monetary contributions, are there other ways to balance the relationship? Can he contribute in non-financial ways, such as household chores or emotional support?
You are used to being independent and giving up your freedom by allowing him ‘free rein’ of your car can make you feel taken advantage of.
Communication is key to having a clear understanding of what you want and need from your relationship.
Hope things work out the way you want them to.
Insightful comment. 😊 He did ask me whether there were any household chores he could help with. My response was with the limited time he's actually here, if he ends up with a spare hour or two I would rather he spent it trying to get the jumble of his possessions that's in my basement and garage organized and sorted through.
That photo is gorgeous and matches your peonies. Such a delicate flower.
I love that you recognize , own n admit your privilege, as many do not. I see and understand his plight. Many would say, use that 1k as a down on another vehicle, but then what. I understand yours too......feeling kinda trapped without a car.
He's already a hard working man....hopefully this will work out in the best way possible~
I mean, ideally in a couple where only one person is working, you could get by with just owning one car. I suspect part of my discomfort is just feeling "possessive" about my car (and worried about whether it, too, will end up in a collision).
I'm glad the checklist helps but the situation is definitely why I say that I can accept a lot of things in a more casual sex partner than i ever could in a life partner. I would have no patience for that sort of nonsense.
Yes, that's the thing - I knew he was kind of a mess when we first got involved, but I could rationalize that he was just a FWB and it wasn't my problem. Now that it's evolved beyond that, it's complicated.
Love that photo!
In general, men seem to have a hard time looking past the initial cost and see the long-term costs and benefits. I remember reading about a husband grumbling about how his wife buys a $3 magazine (that comes out once a month) but he buys a weekly magazine for $1.50. He couldn't understand that he's paying more than she is.
I think his broke situation leads him to make short-term decisions that might not be the best in the long run. Like his insurance coverage is liability only - I'm sure that's all he could afford - but that means he gets nothing for this collision.
The peonies were awesome one day and the next in tatters. So fragile things we think are beautiful and will be there tomorrow.
Amazingly, mine seem to have bounced back a bit compared to what they looked like yesterday morning. I do have "cages" around them to help support the stems.
Pretty picture.
Lovely flowers.
And, the sitch...well, I've been on both sides of this so I can empathize with both of you.
Thanks for that, I was kind of a afraid it would be a pile-on in the comments!
Financial responsibility is a big deal for me. I'm a saver and Cowboy is a spender. It has made for some noisy kerfuffles.
HWD would feel so much better if he had a decent emergency fund. It is way less stressful. You would be able to relax too.
Hugs!!
I agree! He did agree to work with me on tracking his budget. Now to find the time for that project….