I'm still working on saving off and deleting old posts - I came across this one today and thought it might bring out some interesting stories from my readers. When I first posted this in 2011, it was a "friend only" post. Now that it's 13 years later I think it's safe to say the OOO will not see this.
It’s a classic AFF scenario: Girl Meets Boy, Girl Thinks it Could be More, Boy is Still Firmly Ensconced in NSA Mindset.
I met J. in fall of 2009 and we had a handful of memorably hot sexual encounters. However for me, it was more than just the sex - I really liked him, and had done my own calculation and decided that he was the one in a thousand AFF guys who might actually be viable as a boyfriend, not just a fuckbuddy:
Age Appropriate: Check
Similar Athletic Interests: Check (runner and biker)
Vocationally suitable: Check (a professional at a human service agency)
Musically compatible: Half check (more of a bluegrass guy, but at least not into heavy metal).
Actually reads books: Check
Children grown and therefore not taking up every weekend: Check
Capable of bedroom dominance but not wanting me to be a 24/7 slave: Check
However, around the end of that year, J. deleted his profile on AFF. When I texted him to ask about it, he explained that he had found he didn’t really like recreational sex well enough to be spending so much time on the site – it was taking him away from more worthwhile pursuits, like reading and listening to music.
Hm. Apparently he did not see our made-for-each-otherness quite so clearly as I did, if he was categorizing it as “recreational sex” (Guys, in case you haven’t gotten a clue yet, despite the fact that this is what the site is for, many women find it insulting to be put in the ‘sport fucking’ category. We want to delude ourselves that you are having sex with us because we are so witty and interesting).
Thus started an ongoing pattern with him. He would quit the site either because he was spending too much time here, or because he had met someone vanilla who he was hopeful about. But usually within a couple months, there’d be a new profile (one of them actually had the tagline, “Just can’t stay away” – at least he seemed to realize his issue). He didn’t usually try to reach out to me, but I could always figure out who he was when his new profile appeared on my “Who’s Viewed Me” list or among those who visited my blog. We would occasionally exchange emails or chat a bit on IM.
Last fall we had a few more sexual encounters. When I was going through the situation with my mom dying in hospice, I im’d with him several times when I got home from hospice in the evening – he was a very supportive and sympathetic presence during that time. A few days after she died, he came over and we had what I would categorize as “catharsis sex” – it was pretty intense, I started sobbing in the middle of it.
A few weeks after that, it was the same old story. He emailed to let me know that he had met someone who he was hopeful about, and was going to be deleting his profile.
He re-appeared the week between Christmas and New Year’s. In an IM chat he explained that his girlfriend was on a cruise with her family, and he was just so horny and needed an outlet, but was going to delete his profile when she got back. He started waxing nostalgic about how great the sex had been between us, and I replied, “Not great enough for you to consider me for anything more, apparently.” He finally came out and told me what I had more or less figured out already: “I just don’t feel that way about you. I can’t manufacture that. It’s a bad idea, I’ve tried to manufacture that feeling before and it doesn’t work”.
It was rather ironic, because I was dealing with the exact same dilemma with the guy who I was seeing at that time. He was wonderfully sweet and attentive, had used the “L” word with me over Christmas, but I just wasn’t sure if I returned the feeling.
True to J’s word, he deleted his profile at the end of the week. However, he reappeared in April. Interestingly though, at the end of April his Fb status changed to “In a relationship”. Yes, I’m a stalker, please don’t judge me. I wondered if he had finally found a way to reconcile his kinky and vanilla sides - using the site as a side diversion, while still keeping a relationship going. I left him alone, but I noticed he was still occasionally viewing my profile and visiting my blog.
Finally after a couple months, I sent him a hello email. We chatted on IM the other week – it started out with me trying to keep it to mundane chitchat; but again he brought up reminiscences of how hot it had been between us. The next thing I knew he was trying to show me his cock on web cam, and I was modeling the bra and panties that I had worn the night before on cam, to show him what he had missed. Ooooouuuch.
We had another IM conversation a week later, while I was webcamming on a Saturday night, and all I can say is, it’s a good thing that I already had a visitor on his way over, or I might have been tempted to break my hard and fast rule about no attached guys.
As of last night, he has once again deleted. I assume that he realized he was slipping into a danger zone where it wasn’t just a side diversion - he was in peril of jeopardizing his relationship (interestingly, in one of those IM conversations, I asked him, “Does your girlfriend know about your “dark side”? and he ignored the question. Which tells me that the answer is no.)
Now I know y’all are going to lecture me about just how much of an idiot I am to continue communicating with this guy. I don’t have any defense. I AM an idiot. I'm not hoping that he’ll suddenly develop an attraction to me that is more than just sexual – he’s been honest about that, that it's not going to happen. It’s just….a lust addiction, damn it, that I can’t let go.
Shall we place bets on how long before he comes back on the site?
Have you ever had someone who you just couldn't seem to quit?
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21 comments
I laughed a little too uncomfortably knowingly at the we like to delude ourselves part for my tastes. Lol
I haven’t, actually. I’ve had a few try to come back, but I’m a “if it’s over, it’s over for good” type of person.
I'm usually fairly good at "if it's over, it's over" but in this particular case I failed miserably haha!
I've been married 39 years, so yeah I haven't managed to quit my hubby, LOL. I have considered it several times but never followed thru.
You’re a strong woman, so if you really had wanted to quit him, I suspect it would have happened.
Smart yes! Oh gosh, I have my own obsession. I have wrote about him here. I am sticking to my guns but I know if he texted me I would probably jump. Hate it! So I understand.
Thanks for the understanding, Lee.
Yes, there was one I couldn't seem to quit, but fortunately, he's across the ocean now. Out of sight, out of mind. LOL
Yep, across an ocean is pretty damn final.
I had a couple different occasions where I bumped into this dude at my workplace (he didn't work there, but his organization did business with us). What an odd feeling that was.
Have you ever had someone who you just couldn't seem to quit?
I had to think back and realize that yes... I did, but apparently I could! It's been over a decade!
Huzzah for quitting people! I'd say I'm over this dude as well, except it doesn't seem like a good sign that I'm reposting this, haha!
Yes.....we do like to delude ourselves, especially when feelings catch us. This story is completely understandable. Has he left the site for sure, or still back n forth lurking ? There is someone in my mind, but ive realized his words had no real meaning, so ive had to let it all lapse into the ether~
I have to admit that I no longer scrutinize "who's viewed me" or my blog visitors as closely as I used to (especially once Community started up, there are many more blog visitors). So I can't say for sure that he's no longer lurking...but I would guess not. It's been over 10 years since he married that lady.
Lust addiction .... yep, been there, done that (and trying to avoid doing it again)
Can I make the excuse of perimenopausal insanity? LOL.
It feels much more easy to be rational these days, although some would argue that letting a perennially broke guy move in with me isn't real rational.
I'm not going to lecture about being an idiot only because I was an idiot in my relationships!
There have been one or two someones I couldn't quit but there was never a happy ending, or at least a happy ending for me.
Those situations rarely do have a happy ending, do they?
For about 4.5-5 years prior to meeting my husband (so I was a teenager), I fell hard for my first love and we did that on again/off again thing. I even saw him once about 6 months after meeting my husband (platonically) and realized that I was finally over him. In the last almost ten years on aff, I have had a few that could have easily turned into what you described, but they quit me more than I could quit them. One where feelings were involved and complicated. Most of the others where just the sex was good. I don't hold too many grudges about it, but it is a challenging part of this lifestyle sometimes.
Yes - even if the understood premise is that things are going to be casual, sometimes feelings do develop and then things get complicated.
Interesting story
I am no one to judge you, not that it would matter, but I have never let myself get into that kind of scenario. I have made idiotic choices all the time but I try to learn from them upon realization and try not to make the same idiot decision again.
It was a bit idiotic of me to continue chatting with him, but I'm quite glad I didn't have sex with him after he categorized himself as "in a relationship" on Fb.
@smartasswoman As much as you may have desired to be with him again (the emotional side of you) you didn't give into it and (let your cerebral side of you) decide to go down that rabbit hole. I sometimes will think about past relationships and reflect the good parts that I enjoyed with them. But then I think about the hurtful or bad parts that I disliked or felt how badly I was treated, and I snap out of it.
Haa, how funny you mention this now. A friend I played with from time to time pre-AFF, like 20 years ago, contacted me recently. We certainly had some GREAT fun back then, but she got into a "relationship" and we drifted apart. Her situation had changed a bit since then and she was interested in "starting up again". We met a few times, but that old spark just wasn't quite there anymore.
But I'm not going to be falsely modest here. I'm quite proud of the fact that she tracked me down after all these years! 😁
I’d say that does speak pretty well of you!
(I’m not expecting Mr OOO to ever try to reconnect).
Having never been in that situation I would never judge you. One could always hope the other would come to their senses and see what a great partner you would be. That said, I am glad you eventually drew a line when he admitted he was somehow committed to another.
Having never been in that situation I would never judge you. One could always hope the other would come to their senses and see what a great partner you would be. That said, I am glad you eventually drew a line when he admitted he was somehow committed to another.
Eh, I'm sure his wife is a great partner too (yes, they ended up getting married). Without the complication of being somebody who he met on a sex site.
@smartasswoman If that "complication" is what kept him from staying in relationship with you....well it is just pretty sad. And something makes me think he wouldn't be a very reliable, committed partner for anyone.