Here's a story from the perspective of the childless old lady who's not very used to having young folks around. 
Christmas plans were up in the air for quite a while. HWD was trying to figure out a way to take his daughters out of town. Younger daughter has been having some mental health struggles and he thought a change of scenery would be good for her. The first idea was a road trip to someplace warm. But since he has the daughters for only three and a half days it didn't really make sense. By the time they got someplace warm it would have been time to turn around and drive back.
The second thought was to maybe go somewhere with an indoor waterpark (Wisconsin Dells?).
I was invited either way, but neither idea particularly appealed to me. Luckily younger daughter wasn't interested in the indoor waterpark idea - her reaction was "sounds kind of germy". 😂 And HWD read some reviews that said the week between Christmas and New Year's is THE WORST. The staff call it Hell Week.
Anyway, I was thinking he'd be driving somewhere with the girls so I made no elaborate Christmas plans. Then a couple of days before, he said they would be having Christmas dinner with us.
Christmas morning I started working on dinner, assembling a sweet potato apple casserole (not that difficult, but time consuming since you pre-cook the sweet potatoes and there is lots of peeling involved of the potatoes and apples). The plan was for him to go get them at 2 pm. That changed, of course. About 2:45 pm he went to pick them up. I put the casserole in the oven because I had figured out I didn't have space in the oven to cook everything at once, so I needed to get the first shift of baking going.
Three pm, text from HWD: "Maybe I already said this, but the kids have been eating so they don't have a big appetite right at the moment."
Grrrrrrr.
They got home and I decided to proceed since I had not been eating and wanted to eat. Pork tenderloins and broccoli went in the oven. Meanwhile daughter #1 fell asleep on the couch and daughter #2 started watercolor painting with HWD. It didn't seem like great timing to start art projects with food coming out in about half an hour....
Food finished, I gave them the five minute warning and got everything on the table. I sat down to eat...alone. A few minutes later I called into the living room, "are you going to join me?" (was hoping that at least HWD would eat with me). He says, "I'm winding down working on this". He tried to wake daughter #1, she said she wanted to sleep rather than join us at the table.
Daughter #2 came to the table a few minutes later and to her credit, she did eat a few bites of everything even though I knew she wasn't hungry.
After dinner we had a Zoom call with HWD's parents and brother. By the time that ended, we needed to rush a bit to get to the 6:30 pm movie we had been planning on. HWD to daughter #1: "Do you want to grab something to eat before we leave?" Daughter #1: " No no I'm not hungry."
We arrived at the movie theater in plenty of time (especially considering there was 20+ minutes of previews and ads). We're walking in, daughter #1 looks at the concession stand and says "OH I want strawberry popcorn!!".
HWD: Well, buy some for yourself then.
Daughter #1: I don't have any money!
Daughter #2: You're 20 years old, if you want strawberry popcorn you should buy it with your own money! (I appreciated this a lot)
HWD: When we were leaving the house you said you weren't hungry and now you want popcorn? (I appreciated this also).
But after we got settled in our seats, he went and bought the strawberry popcorn for her. 🤷🏻♀️ She passed it to us to try after she had her fill. It was disgusting.
I think HWD has managed to not burden his daughters with the fact that he's pretty broke. Unfortunately he can't seem to say no to them which somewhat contributes to the brokeness.
Old person rant: When I was a child there was no way that I would be allowed to not come to the dinner table, especially on a holiday. And if I had just refused home cooked food twenty minutes earlier, there is no way that popcorn would have been purchased for me.
I've been reading social media threads from older women who are fed up with Christmas and have decided they're just not going to be the "driver" anymore of the family experiencing a traditional Christmas with decorations, lots of presents and a big elaborate meal. I have been really spoiled for most of my adult life, since most holidays I was either sponging off of my older sister, or doing group meals with my previous partner's mother and brother's family, or going to movies and Chinese dinner with my Jewish friends. Anyway, after yesterday's experience I can see where someone who had been engineering Christmas for many years with not much gratitude, would be done.
Illustrative SNL skit:
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18 comments
You are correct. I absolutely expect EVERYONE to come to the table, sit and be polite. They can skip eating if they have already had a meal elsewhere I suppose. But they show up and be social. Around here they are also expected to take their dishes, utensils to the kitchen, rinse them and stack them nicely.
The only exception would be illness. Nobody wants to get sick.
Those girls need to learn manners. Though maybe they know? And like to push Dads buttons? Feel free to short sheet their beds next time they visit.
You did good. You were polite. You tried.
Hugs!!!!
The laugh emoji is on the concept of short sheeting the beds. I do appreciate your support!
Now that you mention it, Daughter #1 did have a bad cough so perhaps it was just as well she didn’t join us at table. I’m holding my breath that I didn’t catch her cold since I’m going to be traveling in a week.
Not quite how Norman Rockwell would have illustrated it, but at least there were no major emotional blow-ups - thanks to your and HWD's supreme tolerance.
And YEAH, ditto on the old foggies rant!
You’re right, there might have been a teensy bit of petulance at times (when Daughter #2 is frustrated with him she says “Pa-PAH” to get his attention) but no major outbursts. Grateful for small favors.
We had a family turkey and tacos dinner on Saturday.
Strawberry popcorn sounds really sweet and disgusting. I prefer my popcorn salty and with black pepper.
Unsurprisingly the popcorn had some kind of artificial “flavor powder” on it. It was gross.
It’s amazing how quickly a simple meal can turn into a full production when the timing goes sideways. You handled it with more grace than most would, and Daughter #2’s thoughtfulness must have meant a lot after the long day.
Yes, it would have been better just to delay the meal for a few hours, but then the movie plan would have been messed up. 🤷♀️ (seeing Wicked was probably the only part that the girls were actually looking forward to).
I like pagancountrygirl’s concept of just having a bunch of appetizers to graze on - seems like it would be much more flexible than a traditional meal where you’re trying to time things to get everything on the table at the same time.
@smartasswoman There’s something to be said for a spread people can drift toward as they’re ready. It removes the whole timing puzzle, especially on a day already built around plans.
I have to say, whether you've had your own kids or not, the frustration of prepping all day just to have the meal tossed aside like an option is beyond irritating. Once the kids got mid-teens, I asked them what they wanted for dinner and to either help make it or help me shop for it. At least that way they knew something they wanted and helped to orchestrate was coming.
With the younger one off to college now, and often in sport during dinnertime when she was here, it's always been a challenge to get her to sit down with us. It wasn't her routine/habit to join us. And as a single parent that ended up working reasonably late most days when she was not at gym, both my kids started to feed themselves dinner by the time they were 16 easily.
All that aside, holidays and family events really weren't optional. And they got allowances for a reason...buy your own damn popcorn! 🤣 I do, however, understand the wanting to buy them stuff because they aren't together a lot of the time...my ex did it very elaborately. But for him, it was an "investment" in strategy he'd use at future visits to control activities he didn't want to do. Thankfully, that doesn't seem to be HWD's MO.
Good strategy to involve the kids in the meal. Logistically that wouldn’t have worked this time, but maybe next time.
Interesting about your ex. Yeah HWD isn’t trying to control the activities during this visit. He’s suggested a number of things and when they seemed uninterested he dropped it. They did go ice skating last night and are visiting an indoor garden today and doing some watercolor painting.
I guess I've been lucky, while I do the "engineering," we're a pretty laid back family so we go with the flow more often than not. All being at the table together is key tho... we all still remember the one time a boyfriend of teen daughter said "no thanks, I'm not hungry" when time came to sit down for the meal. He learned quick
This year was probably the best holiday yet, the kids did that JCPenney cringe sibling photo shoot and it turned out WONDERFUL! I cried!
I wish I could be laid back, but whenever I'm responsible for a meal (whether it's a holiday or hosting my book clu
my inner control freak seems to emerge. Why won't people come to the table when you ask? I don't want my guests eating lukewarm food.
I'm glad you taught the boyfriend some manners.
I'm with you - get dressed, sit at the table, and eat! Then help clean up!
Yep. I was surprised.
I always had to sit and eat at the table when a meal was served. And I was only allowed to leave the table when everyone had finished. I also wasn't allowed to read while eating nor rest my arms on my elbows on the table. Things weren't as strict as they may sound. I could talk at the table but never with my mouth full of food. Looking back, it was all good manners for a communal moment.
That's how I was brought up too. And who knows, maybe that's the rules when they're home with mom, but perhaps daughter #1 feels it doesn't apply at my house.
@smartasswoman I get the impression that what you and I consider communal moments aren't the same for younger people who perhaps see social media as communal.
Some bright spots amidst the chaos. Focus on those.
Just my opinion...coming from a broke, single mom experience...HWD should be open with his kids about affordability, especially since they're almost adults. It's hard on the pride but better for the kids in the long run.
I agree and I've got to think they've got SOME idea (if only because of the crappiness of the apartment he lived in before moving in with me). But you wouldn't know it, based on the requests for everything from a new iPhone to strawberry popcorn.
Manners. Hungry or not, sit at the table, eat a little and talk. The cook worked on it, show respect. The card was very nice so I would have to give her a pass.
We are of the same mind. Daughter #2 did come to the table and eat a bit and thank me for cooking; I was fine with that. I get that with multiple social events in a day it can be hard to leave room for the next meal.
I had a can of Hungry Mans Beer Cheese Soup and I didn't watch TV, Just relaxed and listen to music. Since, I have no one in my life right now, seemed like any other day.
I’ve had a few solo Christmases. I did usually try to make something that I wouldn’t normally make for myself, like a steak. I don’t really mind having cozy alone time.