I got an email this morning complimenting me on my profile picture.
I thanked him.
He replied that someone who looks like me shouldn't have any problems finding what I want.
Yet, I haven't.
That's not to say that the relationships I have had were bad.
Some were pretty good.
They just weren't quite what i wanted.
Of course, there were some that actually were bad.
But it got me thinking.
Why am I having such a difficult time?
I did a mental man review.
Looked at each failure, each near success, and found a common denominator.
They all were men that I met on this site.
Yet, I don't believe that is really the answer.
Is there something else these relationships have in common?
Yes. Me.
Hold the protests.
It has to be considered.
Do I subconsciously choose men that fear more because I subconsciously fear more?
Is being smart intimidating?
Does my lust for life give the wrong impression?
Do I secretly give off marry-me vibes?
I don't know the answer.
It could be a swirling, contradictory mixture of all those things.
I'll think on it some more.
I may even discover the answer this lifetime.
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23 comments
Reflecting on past relationships is a valuable process. Compromise in a relationship is important, but it's important not to mistake it for settling. Compromise means finding a middle ground, while settling can mean accepting less than what you truly want or deserve. Wishing you clarity in your search for meaningful connections.
Thank you. Putting things in writing always helps me.
I had similar musings during the long period of time where I never stayed involved with anyone for more than a few months. Like you, I had to wonder if it was something about me.
I’m not sure what changed but for now at least, I’m willing to live with HWD’s flaws. They probably would have been a dealbreaker with anyone before now.
I just wish guys understood that going bowling is not a declaration of love and going to a movie, occasionally, is not a proposal of marriage.
@superbjversion2 amen! It’s very possible to take a relationship past “only a hookup” without tying someone down.
@superbjversion2 It often seems so many people never get past the idea that a date means starting a process that will end in marriage. That it may just mean you look l you would be fun to go bowling with.
Diane says she has had many a person ask when She and I are getting married. The idea of not doing so seems to be totally outside their world view.
@justskin1 As I was doing my long distance thing, one of my nephews asked if they were going to meet the guy. I said that since I didn't plan on marrying him, I didn't see the need. He understood.
@superbjversion2 I think more of the younger generation understand about not wanting to get married or that marriage is not the natural eventuality of an extended relationship.
I have spent over ten years looking for something between a poly bf and fwb and i have had limited success. I've either been with men that only wanted to see me once in a blue moon over a long period of time or see me more frequently but for a couple months at best. I recognize that not being able to commit to more limits my pool of candidates. I'm too kinky for regular dating but not kinky enough for most of the fet folks. Is what it is. I guess I'm just trying to say that I empathize with some of the wondering. Hang in there.
It's not in me to give up. Thanks for the empathy.
Have you noticed the difference between the men and women's comments?
@superbjversion2 I'll be honest .. didn't read the other comments.
Why do your looks have any bearing on finding what you want? (rhetorical question... we all know the cultural-based answer)
Being smart and having a thirst for knowledge is incredibly intimidating for a lot of men I've found... Most men of the age I'm interested in are happy doing nothing more than going to work and watching sports. Wanting to do more sounds like a whole lot of work to them.
Lazy bastards.
I was very proud of myself for not blasting the guy with "What do looks have to do with it?" which I have done with others.
The same thought crossed my mind, but then, not all dudes are truthful about what they really want.
Yes, I remember one in particular whose profile mused about doing things like painting the house together, and yet in reality he just wanted a hookup. Or…maybe I just didn’t fit his picture of someone to be more serious with.
How true. Many think that FWB and FB are the same thing!
Sometimes I think it would be good to have a female review male profiles and provide feedback. I think the same would work for the opposite sex.
In my experience - which naturally is unique to me - men want more pictures and women want better writing.
@superbjversion2 This sounds so familiar.
@superbjversion2 From what I read on the blogs, I think you are correct.
I find this thread very interesting and given the plethora of comments, I am clearly not the only one finding this post engaging. However, the Sheldon in me finds the title misleading. The term Common Denominator is commonly a shortened version of Lowest Common Denominator (LCD). I would never consider you the LCD given the expression is often used colloquially to describe something in a disapproving manner. Perhaps you would have been better off using a concept from Set Theory. A slightly to highly amusing coincidence, depending on ones proclivity to being easily amused, Set Theory is the mathematical foundation of Relational Database Systems which has nothing to do with understanding Human Relationships. Please don't get me started on the Stable Marriage Problem, the mathematical problem of finding a stable matching between two equally sized sets of elements with preferences (which these days could lead to a firestorm of discussion on the definition(s) of marriage.)
LCD is a mathematical term. Common denominator, as per my title, is a research term. Of course, it's highly possible the researchers purloined the phrase.
If we were to ask ourselves what the lowest common denominator in my situation is, the answer would obviously be this site.
@superbjversion2 I stand arguably corrected. From merriam-webster: denominator 2a: a shared trait. The same source lists 15 definitions including the sub-entries under common. We could debate how common you are at another time; it might be a playful and long discussion.
@SoGood2Know I could start with common, as opposed to noble.
Every so often it is certainly good to think about what sort of person you seem to be attracted to or is attracted to you. As to some of your questions: I can only say that some men are intimidated by smart women and you are a smart woman. I have never thought of you as giving off marry-me vibes. I would say that your lust for life is one your most attractive features but many guys will always get a wrong impression from i and likely some of those wrong impressions will be different.
It there is an answer I hope you find it. More importantly I hope you find someone nearby that gets who you are and loves every bit you.
Sending you big naked hugs!
For the most part, I'm not concerned with the answer but I am less likely these days to go outside the box.
@superbjversion2 You really do not need an answer. What you need is a good fairly local man to enjoy having sex with and also having other kinds of fun together. I so hope you find such a man soon. You truly deserve to find one.
Sending you big warm optimistic hugs. Diane and I had thought we would not find someone and then we stumbled upon each other.
Relationships are a mystery that people have been wanting to solve since forever.
Some people happen to find the right person, others have to try and try again.
The hope is, with different experiences, we can wittle down to what we really want.
I can agree with you "it could be a swirling, contradictory mixture of all those things", sometimes I feel that I have no idea what I'm doing.
I'm getting closer and closer to the idea that I'm better off alone.
Interesting pondering.....
Writing this stuff down helps me clarify some of those ponderings. Getting feedback gives me alternate perspectives.
I may be wrong, imagine that. I think women want to date, go out once in a while, dinner, movies, concerts, dancing, a ball game, etc. It is such a lost art today. And the men just want blow jobs. So, it’s not you, it’s them. Hold your head up high.💁🏻♀️
I actually try to explain that dating is foreplay for me. They don't get it.
You're not wrong.
@superbjversion2 I think that most men have no idea what physical foreplay is let alone anything about all the other forms like dating and the getting to know you dance that promotes.
I have no idea.
Perhaps seeking a "relationship" (whatever that really means!) is the issue. Why not just have a good time, enjoy each others company, and resist trying to label it?
I was just thinking out loud. In writing. On my blog.
But I do not label. I have a good time and enjoy their company. I don't nag for more time than they can give. I don't ask where they think things are going. Yet they disappear. Can't help but wonder why.
Let me ask you this - since you've met me. Did you enjoy my company? Would you play darts or shoot pool with me if we were in a bar with clothes on?
@superbjversion2 Yes and yes. You had doubts? (Though doing them nekkid was even more fun, if a bit dangerous with the darts and all. 🤣)
@CleavageFan4U No, I didn't have doubts but doing that kind of stuff - in addition to sex - is all the "relationship" I want ... locally!
You certainly have that right!
@superbjversion2 Having met you I can say that you would be fun to do the things you mentioned with.
@justskin1 You'd like naked darts with me, I'm sure!
@superbjversion2 I most certainly would. You look good naked and and better yet you are an interesting and fun person to be around.
I have the answer. Your ideal mate lives just above the state of North Dakota…. 😊😊✈️
Which is why I can't find somebody local, eh?
Is it not more a case of you'll know when you find it, you just haven't found it - yet?
I've come close but those near-successes have always had one little thing that kept it from being just right ... like being married or living 700 miles away.
I hope you remember that correlation doesn't mean causation. There are lots of possible causes even luck or bad luck.
But I have to consider that I am one of the variables.
@superbjversion2 Yes, but that doesn't mean you have to consider you're a statistically significant variable.
@citizen4722 You mean you're a cucumber and relationships put you in a pickle?
@citizen4722, @spunkycumfun Fair observation.
Heck, I didn't even know what I was looking when I signed up 8 years ago on this site for the second time. First time around, 20 years ago, I found my late husband, ended up in a relationship completely outside the realm of anything I had ever imagined. This time around, I wasn't even looking for what I've ended up with, (living together, partner, monogamous, slightly fragile emotionally individual) but yet after 2 years, I know he loves me and has my back without limits. I look at your list, I was probably guilty of all those, most especially choosing men that fear more because I feared more myself.
I think everything on my list applies but a different reason depending on the man. There's no one-size-fits-all solution.
"Swirlng?" It probably is.
Only you know what type of vibe you give.
I get the impression you already know the answer. 👍
I once took the Crazy/Hot Matrix test. Seems like I'm the kind you marry ... even though I'm not the marrying kind.
Good luck, I have decided as a widow that I am not interested in any type of relationship. Other than a regular FWB . I'm having a lot of fun just exploring this part of me . Did all the right things and still ended up "alone" . Don't think I want to risk that again. Yet I do understand wanting a relationship , it crosses my mind every now and then . So good luck. I always cheer for my fellow widow sisters who find a second chapter.
I have had a variety of experiences here and a regular FWB is enough of a relationship for me. But ongoing. I'm tired of looking for a new one when the old one ends for whatever reason.