Daily life is full of little choices. What to eat, what to wear, where to go, etc.
Often, we need to make more complex decisions. Save or spend, retire or work, speak up or remain silent. These bigger choices could be called crossroads. The road ahead could be clear or it might be hazy, but once a choice is made, the other option(s) disappear. We never know what might have happened if we chose a different path. We can only trust our gut and hope we made the right turn.
What happens if we suspect that we chose poorly but we are unable to do anything about it? I had one of those major crossroads in my life, just before I got married.
I never wanted children. I had a short temper and my parental role models were not the best. I didn't think I would be able to handle the responsibilities of motherhood, especially being close to 40. I was firm and my husband accepted it. I knew he was disappointed, though. He was an only child and both his parents were already deceased. He would have loved a family.
So, I decided to make the Ultimate Sacrifice of Love ... I would give him a child.
We married in the spring and by summer I was pregnant.
One month later, my husband was in the hospital. I put my foot down. He needed to get a firm grip on his health ... for his child.
By Thanksgiving, I was on bedrest. Obviously, being pregnant was not a good idea at my age.
When our daughter was 6 she was diagnosed with cancer. Sick husband and a sick child? My choice weighed heavily.
At age 9, we lost her dad. I now had the responsibility of raising this child alone.
That wasn't even the darkest time ...
Her puberty and my menopause happened at the same time. 😮
When my daughter went away to college, I was the happiest empty-nester in the world. I felt very guilty for being relieved. I was the bad mom I always thought I'd be.
And yet ...
My husband's short life was filled with the joy of fatherhood.
Raising my daughter, kept me moving forward; kept me young.
My daughter is now in her 30s. I am less mother and more friend these days.
So, looking at that crossroad I met, so many years ago ...
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25 comments
This was a very moving piece. Thank you for sharing.
As I wrote, I was focused on showing that what seems like a poor choice could take years to show it wasn't. It ended up being more revealing than anticipated. You're welcome.
Yes, you’ve been through some very tough trials, life can be incredibly cruel. But those big decisions you’ve made, like choosing to carry a pregnancy, raising a daughter, and now, as she's an adult, being friends with her: those choices have defined your life. And I’m sure that when you look at her and she doesn’t know you’re watching her, your whole life, from the moment you decided to have her, flashes through your mind, and your eyes fill with memories and tenderness, and joy.
If you hadn’t made that decision, your husband would have left anyway, you would be alone now, and your daughter would never have existed, with all that implies for the many people she’s helped make happy: yourself among them.
A very honest and beautifully told post; thank you.
Wishing you all the best,
Aura
The joy of motherhood escaped me while it was happening. Now, though, I can enjoy the feeling of a job well done.
That's quite a story lady. 🤗
We all have stories of questioning our choices. Some are deep and some happen on the back of a golf cart.
I can see how it was such a difficult choice and why you may have had doubts about your choice when in the middle of the difficult times but now see it as a wise one. Seems most choices are that way. We can only see the wisdom or the folly well after the fact.
Sending big naked hugs to wise generous woman. You.
For some reason, wisdom takes much longer to realize. Folly seems to show up right away!
Must've been a challenging time what with hormones clashing hard, her teenage years and your menopause. It's great that you have a good relationship with your daughter.
I don't recommend "old" age pregnancies because of those hormone years
Funny thing is that life always seems replete with a myriad of choices, but at the end of the day it is binary - you do one thing or the other. Having lost a spouse at an early age, I can't imagine how much worse my life would have been without our sons. Some of our friends chose not to have kids, but I wonder how they will feel when their cherished spouse is no more?
I know exactly what you mean. I'm not sure I would have managed widowhood as well without my child. She is a part of my husband that stayed.
Your story is a testament to the complexity of choice—the way we make decisions with conviction yet never truly know where they will lead.
The sacrifices you made were immense, and the challenges you faced could have shattered anyone. And yet, through loss and hardship, your path has unfolded into something deeply meaningful. It’s moving to see how, despite everything, your husband found joy in fatherhood, and you found strength in raising your daughter.
Life rarely gives us clear signs that we’ve chosen well, but sometimes, looking back, we see that the choices made in love carry their own kind of wisdom.
It's nice when life does confirm that we made a wise choice. My daughter is a delight.
That was quite a gift from you to your husband. I imagine things must have seemed pretty dark when she had cancer. I’m so glad she recovered and became your grownup friend.
It was odd...though I often felt that her cancer was somehow my fault (it was discovered at 6 but she had it from infancy) I never once thought she would die. It was those hormonal years that were the worst. We hated each other. But we recovered from that, too.
Love your story, thank you!
Just a little something from the deep end of my emotional pool. You're welcome.
Lots o trials but the rewards of life are always looked at differently by different people. Aren't they fun when they become your friend lol. Not that they weren't fun in a those previous years but just a different fun
Once we got through the hormonal hurricane years, things got easier.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
I love that poem.
@superbjversion2 I am usually on the road less traveled.
That was definitely a crossroads moment. I'm pleased you're great friends with your daughter.
I can't imagine what my life would've been without her.
Agree with you
Thank you.
Adult kids can be fun
Hugs!!
While raising her, I always felt overwhelmed by the responsibility. Now that my work is done, I really enjoy the fruits of my labor.