Nine Years, One Goodbye, and Trying to Find Myself Again

I was with the same woman for almost nine years. We had real love, intense chemistry, great sex, loyalty, betrayal, drugs, jail, jealousy, and enough chaos to destroy most relationships several times over.

We both knew it had become toxic, but we kept believing we could eventually fix it.

For years, trust was our biggest problem. While I was in and out of jail and prison, she was often involved with other people. Eventually, I stopped demanding perfection and started asking for one thing: honesty.

For about two years, I believed we were finally rebuilding that trust. I started working again, focused on creating a better life, and thought we were moving forward together.

Then one day, while I was working, she disappeared.

She claimed she was staying with a friend, but I later learned she was with another man—the same man I had been told was “just a friend.” I left for Colorado, blocked everyone, and tried to disappear from the entire situation.

Eventually, she came back.

We fought, talked, laughed, took acid together, and spent nearly 36 hours reconnecting mentally, emotionally, and sexually. The sex was intense, uninhibited, and different from anything we had shared in a long time. For a moment, it felt like we had found each other again underneath all the anger and damage.

But the lies were still there.

When I confirmed what had happened, I lost my temper. She continued denying it, and then she left again.

We have barely spoken since, except for a message about a piece of mail. This is the longest we have ever gone without talking when I was not incarcerated.

Now I am caught between missing her and knowing I cannot return to the same lies, drugs, betrayal, and instability. I want the woman I loved, the chemistry we had, and the life I thought we were building. I do not want the destructive cycle that came with it.

I keep wondering whether she is giving another man the honesty, affection, and sexual energy I spent years asking for. At the same time, I know obsessing over her choices will not rebuild my life.

So I am trying to move forward.

I am looking for work, rebuilding my journeyman millwright tool set, and finishing my computer science and information systems degree. I have nearly twenty years of industrial experience, strong mechanical and technical skills, and more potential than my current situation reflects. Being a felon makes the climb harder, but it does not erase what I know or what I am capable of.

I am not posting this for sympathy. I needed somewhere to be honest.

Maybe I need conversation. Maybe I need advice. Maybe I need a distraction, a connection, or someone who understands what it is like to love someone deeply while realizing that love alone is not enough.

Either way, I am trying to close one chapter without losing myself inside it.